Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Letter To My 16 Year Old Self

Letter To My 16 Year Old Self: Dear Me


I AM YOU Ana, We are 46 years old writing this letter in 2017. 30 years from now! Knowing I'm writing this to myself at 16 is hard because I have so many things I want to say. Let's first take a deep breath because I know now that we suffer from anxiety and you are not crazy. It's OK, many people suffer from this and you are not alone. I promise!

I know you feel so many things right now including shame and resentment. You have a lot on your heart. But that will pass in time. Forgive your parents and forgive your brother, they don't know any better, raising a son with addiction is confusing and scary and during this time and age there is no help for those who suffer from addiction, no one talks about it and there is a stigma attached to it. Your parent's hearts are broken and your brother is confused as to why he feels this way. You will see how important this is later in life.

You will have two beautiful boys in your lifetime. Both boys will be born strong and healthy and smart. But as they get older one will take a turn for the worse like your brother did and your life will drastically change. You will go through a living hell, a sadness like no other, a sadness like nothing you've felt before and you will lose yourself to this sadness for many years.

But before things get better your baby boy will suffer greatly and he will walk the line between life and death. I won't sugar coast things for you it's going to be a rough ride so prepare yourself. You will be watching your son slowly drift away to heroin and it will take his soul and it will feel like you are morning the death over a son who is still alive. You will fight for him and loose time after time and you will see things you can't unsee and go through things you never thought you would go through as a mother. In addition, you will lose someone (Mariah) who was close to you and your son during this time. You loved her but hated the addict! It will alter your life forever. It will change you and shape you into a different person and this pain will create scars and this loss that will last a lifetime. You will struggle to come to grip with all of it. You have never experience this kind of loss and this kind of grief and it will knock you to the ground. (deep breath) Time will stand still and your heart will ache in places you didn't know existed. The pain from the past will surface, you will have so much sorrow, regret, anger, sadness, pain, grief and heartache bottled up inside you from everything you've gone through that it will cause you to have a nervous breakdown, a legitimate nervous breakdown. You will lay on your couch for days and lose track of time, your heath will fade and won't even care, death doesn't scare you,  you just want this pain to end. You will see and learn a lot about yourself during this time. You will later be diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder.

Be kind to yourself. You fought the good fight and you tried every trick in the book, you even tried to learn about addiction to better your understanding of it. But addiction is baffling and no one will ever fully understand it; so forgive yourself Ana. Life is so unfair and so beautiful all at the same time. (wipe away my tears) But you have to believe in something greater than this otherwise life will have no meaning to you. Keep your faith in God! It will help you get through it. He put you on this earth to learn and to live a free life; so, live it!! You will make good and lifelong friend during these dark days. There's always a little light peeking through the dark somewhere; you just have to look.

Live your life with purpose! I know things seem grey and bleak but you will be OK and your life will be good. Enjoy being young, getting older comes with a lot of good and bad just like it does being young except being older means you have to figure things out for yourself.

PS: Love yourself and Embrace the change! Healing begins once you get the answers to the questions in you mind and in you heart! Don't forget to talk to Rosa!! Trust me on this one!!



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