Been feeling kind of down lately. I realize I'm fighting my on going depression, I've been fighting depression way before my son was ever an addict. It's a constant reality check that I'm broken. I find little joy in things that should make me happy. I know... I'm mental! Some days are worse than others. There are some days when I can't shake off my fear. I look at my son and instead of feeling happy I feel scared and anxious. Sometimes... most time I feel like crying. I don't want him to relapse. I can't go back to that PLACE, I just can't!! I know I have no control over that but that's how I feel and I fight like hell to shake it off. Today I'm mentally somewhere else.
Loosing Mariah has left a gaping hole in my heart. How naive I was to think I had "time" she was chronically depressed and I knew it but I just could deal, my only focus was to save Allen... (CRYING) still is to this day. She was always on my mind, my emotions ranged from anger to sadness, I couldn't even drive down Olive and 103rd Ave or Northern and 107th Ave because those are the areas she work and lived in. I knew if I saw her and if she pushed me away I would lose it.... or if she looked worse (physically) I would lose it even worse because she wanted nothing to do with me. I understand now why she scared me, it's because she was so much like me when it came to our depression. In my deepest darkest moments I was like Mariah. I shut LIFE OUT. I pushed my family and friends away and death was not something I feared.
Don't worry, I'm not in that space anymore. But Mariah's death has been a slow awakening for me. I just need to figure out how to see my way through it.
Being a mother of an addict is a lonely and scary place. Not to many people understand. It feels like you are always walking on the edge. The edge of what? Well to put it plain and simple it feels like your always on the edge of "THE" breaking point.
I'm just having a bad day!