Thursday, January 7, 2016

Somedays

So much is going on around me these days. Good things, in spite of Mariah’s death. Somedays I just want to scream from the top of my lungs “I’M SO HAPPY my SON IS CLEAN AND SOBER!!” But then I remember Mariah… and it brings me back down to earth. My son always says “I feel so guilty for being happy”. RIGHT!! Me too monkey, me too! I know Mariah would’ve wanted us to be happy and she would’ve wanted us to celebrate the many victories we’ve been experiencing lately. It’s funny how much you remember about a person after their gone. You remember all their best qualities and all the good times you’ve shared. You let go of the anger and you remember the love. You remember the their warm smiles and soft hugs, and you remember all the long talks and the secrets you shared. When she was still alive she did everything in her power to push me away and she did it with such vengeance… all I could remember was being so angry at her, so so angry. When I found out the next morning after she killed herself it was like all my anger disintegrated at that very moment and as I fell to the floor on my knees crying and yelling “NO, NO PLEASE SAY IT’S NOT TRUE GIANNA NO” It was as if someone pull the latch from this overhead trap door and all the love I had for her came crashing down on me like a ton of brick.

Allen is staying CLEAN and SOBER… completely sober, even after her death when no one would have blamed him, he stayed clean! (VICTORY) Throughout the holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas and even NEW YEARS… still clean! He’s been struggling without having a job for the longest time and dealing with self-esteem issues… still clean! Victories on Mariah’s behalf… We got approval to build a small library at Crossroads for Woman. We got a new meeting started on Fridays at Crossroads for Woman. I’ve been getting a lot of donated books from everyone! ALL VICTORIES! I’m so excited about the library!! I have so many ideas and things I would like to do. Sooo many things!! But I’m going to do one thing at a time. My first task is to build shelves… oh the shelves, my dream is to put up shelves that go from the celling to the floor with a sliding latter. A girl can dream right!? 

So here’s to all our victories Mariah! CHEERS!!







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