Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Dear...

Dear Al & Mia,

Here is my TRUTH, I have to figure out how to heal myself from all this trauma, whether you want to hear it or not this has been and still is traumatic for me. I have to try and figure out how to move on with my life with you in this current condition. If I don’t I will wither away in my grief, and I still have your brother who needs his mother, he needs me now and I need to be well for him.

TRUE: Mia I have so much anger towards you. I’m sorry to say this but Mia you seem to be my trigger. I’m so angry with you for so many reasons. I do blame you for being my sons “addiction” provider. The truth is you made it easy on him to be a heroin addict (an addict in general) by being his ATM. You provide the funds for the drug use. I RESENT YOU FOR THAT! You are an enabler. You enable him in every way. That’s not love that’s a need you’re fulfilling. Al gives you what you need, he fills a void in you. But I should have NEVER said the things I said to you Mia and I’m sorry for that. I truly am sorry for that. I regret every single word. TRUTH: I care for you Mia. I know you have had it rough growing up with two deceased parents who battled with their own addictions. I can’t imagine the emptiness and loneliness you must feel. I wish I could be there for you but you’ve done nothing but push me away. You push everyone away.  I wish you and I could find mutual respect for each other but at this moment and time that’s not possible. Maybe someday. Only time will tell.

FALSE: I never told anyone to not like Mia. NEVER… and I will stand up to anyone face to face with that. Everyone developed their own opinions all on their own. How they feel about her are their own feelings and I had nothing to do with that. Everyone has their own mind and their own set of eyes and what they saw was obvious, it obvious to everyone.

TRUE: You are my son Al and I know your heart, I KNOW you. I love you unconditionally. YOU know this and you know how to find me. Our relationship is in your hands. I’ve never denied you, I’ve always backed you and I’ve stood up for you. I will always be here for you. What happens from here on out is up to you. I can’t keep chasing you… I’m tired.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. - Calvin Coolidge”

Such true words…. This is your battle son. This is Mia’s battle. You can’t help each other, you can only help yourself through this. That’s the TRUTH. I pray one day you see that.

As YOUR mom Al I have to be honest with you. I accept that you are as much to blame for your addiction as she is and I’m equally sickened with both of you for enabling each other and that you continue to enable each other. My heart-aches with the fact that you will never recover from being an addict with another addict. The odds are not in your favor. However, if you really feel you both can ‘recover together’ then you BOTH will need to do it on YOUR own. Al if choose to go this route with Mia you will have find the means to get you both in a program. That’s part of being a man. Your winning lottery ticket will not be offered again until you decide to go on your own journey with conditions. California would have been the best thing for you. The treatment center we found for you would have been your best shot at recovering. It’s a dual diagnosis facility where they treat the addiction and depression, bi-polar and any other mental illness that needs healing. The condition is… you have to be willing to leaving your old life behind including the people who enable you and anyone associated to your current condition. No program in the world will work if you’re not willing to give it all up.

My acceptance and forgiveness to your current life will be conditional.  If you two do it together then I will accept it……….condition is you both have to be clean and sober for one year each of you working a program then I will work on MY feelings towards Mia. There is always room for forgiveness it is the forgetting part that I have to work on, when you BOTH are clean and sober I will put my best foot forward in rebuilding this broken bridge.
If you ever need a hot meal PLEASE let me know. You will always be my son Al, you will always be my love... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! “Always and forever"!

Mom





Thursday, May 21, 2015

I Feel Like I'm Drowning

American Addiction Center in California. That’s the place where I want to send my son. West of San Diego… they are ready to treat him, paper work is filled out, insurance has been verified all I have left is to do is pay for the detectable. It’s a dual diagnose facility so they will not only medically treat his withdrawals to heroin but they will also treat his depression and bipolar. He will have access to the best care and treatment available.  When he’s ready to move on from the facility my cousin wants him to live with her. She lives close to the facility where I would be sending him. She has the resources to continue after care like going to meetings. She is a recovering addict herself. She runs meetings now and helps other addicts.  

There’s one catch… he has to choose to leave IT all behind him. Anything and everything and everyone who enables him behind him for good. He has to be willing to be selfish in this moment in his life. He has to say goodbye forever to Mai. He has to be willing to start his life over. 

Well.... I talked to him last night. As usual I we got into an argument. It all stems from his commitment to see her though. Part of me admire him for that but the other part of me hates it and wants to shake him and say what the hell is wrong with you. Why Cant you see it?

He's not just hooked to heroin... he's hooked to her. I realized during our talk that when it comes to that I lose. Until they both realize that their relationship is toxic nothing I say will matter.

I have to make a tough choices. Allen won’t give up Mai and he wants me to accept her, give her a chance. He gave me the whole spill on why I should. He even compared himself to her and said we have the same struggles she gets me she understands me she's the only one. How she’s really a good person underneath all her pain and she loves him and is there for him. I know as a Christian I should forgive her. He asked me last night to give her a chance because he loves her and they are going to recover together. At least that's what they want to do. I realized last night after talking to him that he’s not going to leave her. At least not anytime soon. He’s too wrapped up in their mess. I also realized he will never seek help if it means leaving her behind. I offered him the winning lottery ticket AGAIN last night. I told him I had arranged for him to go to an excellent treatment center in California and that they would treat all his issues including his depression... He said he will think about it. I know now I lost!!

As far as Mai I told him I needed to think about it. Because I wanted to REALLY think about this whole heartedly. And it all boils down to I JUST CAN’T! I can’t do it, I can’t support his relationship. I have to tell him how I feel and I need to be honest. I know doing this I may lose him. But I'm tired of living this way. I refuse to lie, to be compliant just to make it easier on him. I can’t turn a blind eye anymore, I can’t. He’ll chose her and I may not see him for a long time.

Why does it always seem like I'm drowning?!?!








Wednesday, May 13, 2015

HOOKED

The link bellow is a documentary they aired on TV here in Arizona all the new stations edit simultaneously with no commercial breaks. it's about the heroin crisis in Arizona. It's a must see.


https://youtu.be/4rB4A6IpcfU


   

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Long Story Short

Long story short... 

Saw my son Friday (ME =1) - He was high on Friday (HEROIN = 1) - Broken promises Saturday (HEROIN =1) - Mothers Day no show Sunday (HEROIN = 1) - I'm a fool (HEROIN = 1)!
Heroin 4 × Me 1 = I lose!

Heroin is the Angel of death that has my son in his arms. He has a little helper too. She makes sure he's tucked in every night with a place to stay and buys him his heroin. (Deep breath). He must of told her he was going to get treatment, that he wanted to go out of state. After I dropped him off that afternoon he disappeared again, nothing but silence.

I have it all planned out. I can get him out of the state for treatment. He just has to choose. He has to choose to leave it all behind including the girlfriend, especially the girlfriend!!!  But as of now I don't see that happening. 




Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Lies, Lies and More Lies

I got a call from Al's public defender on Monday. The prosecutor is still willing to offer him a plea bargain despite his missed court date. (Unbelievable) So I roll the dice and message Mia. (the girlfriend, because he has no phone) She thinks I'm stupid. I know he's with her. I've been told by several different people who seen him with her. She lies and its ridiculous. Her current lie... "I don't know where or how to find him, he calls and finds me." All I can do is shake my head and laugh, and play along. (because I have to, she's the only link to my son) Well needless to say she "found" him and gave him my message. (Shocking) This was the conversation that followed.

ME: I know we don't care for each other Mia but I just wanted to thank you for finding my son and giving him the message regarding the attorney. Please let him know if he needs a ride to the court to call me. I will take him... I love him with all my heart and soul. That will NEVER change.

MIA: I never had a problem with you Ana,, until I got called a whore,, and wished dead. I never thought this situation would get so out of control, because we've always been able to work thru it in the past, if for nothing or no one but Allen. I've come to forgive you for all the nasty words you said because I simply have no room for anger in this life anymore. I have to move forward in order to save my life , I can't keep negativity around me. And trust me, it wasn't easy realizing how wasteful it was to be angry with you. While it is absolutely unnecessary for ANYone to get talked to in the way I was, under any circumstance,, I also am woman enough to know it takes two to tango and I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. And Allen,, he knows all of that,, he never doubted it. Your son has an amazing. Big, beautiful heart that, personally,, i think can make any and everyone on this earth happy. I get how contagious that joy is, But when I look into his eyes, all I see is a War. I think he finally understands what this life brings and it's harsh realities , and he knows he's in for the long haul. I believe that scares him, and he deals with too many emotions that have sat dormant for far too long. Yet. With all this, He is a wonderful person who needs to simply figure out where his place in this world is.

ME: Yes, you are right. I allowed my anger to get the best of me. I have a lot of pined up feelings towards you and I guess your negative attitude and disrespect finally got the best of me. I'm grateful Steven was home to stop what could of been a bad situation get worse. I never hated you in fact I cared a lot about you,, then things went wrong. I apologize for my behavior I'm not proud of it. But so much has gone so wrong that the lines between who's right and who's wrong are blurry I can't see the truth ANYMORE. I wish I had the right words to say but I don't. My heart hurts so much for my son that nothing else really matters. I know he's lost. He's been that way for some time now. I know he needs a lot time to try and figure that out. I just pray he's doesn't lose himself.

God please forgive me, but I'm not ready to forgive her for all she's done. I JUST COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO SAY THOSE WORDS TO HER!

I'm done with her! I could care less about how she feels about me. She does not matter to me anymore.