Friday, April 24, 2015

His Very Own ATM.

Still no word from my son.... It's been a month. I'm not sure why I haven't gone looking for him. I guess there's a part of me that wants him to figure this out all on his own. To feel what it's going to be like without his family if he chose this life. Then there's that part of me that wants to find him and just hug him.

He's not working anymore... I called and checked. I get random phone calls from his high school friends who have seen him lately. They all say he looks sad, thin and sick. As long as she is paying for the heroin nothing I say or do will matter. She enables him and will do anything to suffice him. It's a strange and twisted relationship. I hate that when I look at her I see nothing but a monster.

She inherited a large sum of money when she was younger from her mother’s death. The sad thing is she has wasted every cent of it. In the past she has housed them in their dark world leasing an apartment for two years buying him clothes, shoes and paid all the utilities and of course she supplied the funds for their heroin. The amount they used blows my mind. Why are they not dead? The level of heroin they used was about $80 A DAY, EACH! He had it made. Not only did he have a girl who was compliant but he had his very own ATM. She has wasted over 80,000 in two years. She has NOTHING to show for it, not one single item. I just recently found out she had fifty thousand left. From the looks of the letters that were mailed to my house she was taking out a loan on the remaining funds.

How can I win against that kind of pull?

Allen and I were arguing when I first discovered his heroin addiction. I remember her leaning over towards him rubbing his back saying "I told you Allen she won't understand, it's just you and me. You don't need them, it's OK" I was beside myself. I came unglued and lunged at her. He stood in front of her as I told her off. I looked at my son and said "GET HER OUT OF MY HOUSE". He grabbed her hand and ran out the door.


I know what you’re thinking... It's not her fault Allen is a drug addict. Yup I agree, he was born with those tendencies and he made the choice a long time ago to try drugs. But the grip it has on him is so strong, even more so when you have someone feeding it to him for free.



Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Reminiscing

I was laying on the bedroom floor playing with my puppy the other morning, as I do most mornings. I get my pillow and lay it on the floor next to the bed on my husbands side. I lay on my tummy, prop my arms on the pillow crisscross and rest my chin on my wrist. My little girl puppy jumps around my head nibbling on my hair and licking my face. She love it when I take the time to play with her before I get dressed for work. As I laid there watching her play I turn my head to the left looking underneath the bed. There lays this forgotten long plastic bin with memories of my boys grade school days inside. I see through container, it's clear and I packed everything neatly in smaller boxes with labels on each box.... I'm a little OCD. Facing me is this one shoe box with a red lid labeled "Allen's Kindergarten Art Work". I just stare at it for a minute reminiscing. I remember his first day of school. He was so eager to start. I dressed him in a brand new white t-shirt, jean shorts and a pair of new blue and white Nike's. His hair was combs neatly to the side, he looked so cute standing by the kitchen door with his backpack on. Looking back now, I would have never believed he would be where he is at today. If only I had had a crystal ball.

Allen has always been the type of person who liked change. He didn't mind trying new things either. His first day of school my entire core family went to see him off. (Smiling) I remember him walking in the school like he owned the place. So bright eyed and full of grit. As we walked into his new class room he just kept smiling at everyone as he looked around checking out the scenery, he didn't say a single word he just kept smiling as he looked around in awe. We found his assigned seat and he sat down looking at us with this great big smile, he was ready to go. I just whispered in his ear telling him "I love you, be a good boy and play nice." He gave me kiss and I walked to the door where my family was waiting. We all where waiting for him to run after us as we walked out the door saying good bye. But he didn't... he just looked at us like "I'm OK, you guys can leave now". hahaha! His childhood was filled with so many good moments like that. That year was filled with many first... his first time away from me, his first field trip, his first time on the big yellow bus, his first best friend.

Al and I were lucky. We had a man in our life who took care of us. His daddy may not be his blood but he might as well be... because my husband loves Al so much he would give him his last dollar if he thought it would help him.

I wish he knew how we hurt for him everyday. How he's always on our mind. How not a day goes by without his name mentioned. My husband and I are drifting apart. The stress of all these years of struggle and now the stress of not hearing from him and not knowing where he is or if he's OK is talking it's toll on us. I don't know if we are going to make it. At this point it really doesn't matter because our life will always be in crisis, and we don't handle our stress well at all. We're broken!




Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Disconnected

His phone is now turned off. He still has not contacted me. Disconnected again... Out of reach once more. He never called on Easter, and he hasn't talked to anyone. Its like he wants to disappear.

I have decided, I'm not going to chasing him this time. I need him to choose to call me, to choose to face us. It has to be his choice. I know I was the only voice of reason he allowed in his world last time but this time around he has shut me out completely. Begging him won't do anything.

Sometimes its feels like I can't catch my breath. Anxiety is high. I keep getting reminded that my health is poor and I need to keep it together for my other son and my husband. The pressure of having to stay strong stresses me out the most because I don't know if its OK to cry anymore. My family and friends mean well but I don't think they realize how I struggle.

Trying to contain all this sadness and worry is exhausting and impossible. It lingers like fog... dense and vast. I have no idea how to make it go away. (Deep Breath Ana) However with that being said I know I'm walking on the edge and I have to SOMEHOW try and channel all this negative energy into something else. I'm working on that. Mean time I try so hard to hide my heart ache. I miss him and I'm so worried he will overdose or wither away with his already thin frame.