Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Just Sit And Wait

Still no word from Al... I have no idea where he is?! I got a call from his lawyer yesterday, he missed his court appointment. This will be his second time doing that. I have a feeling the judge won't be giving him anymore breaks. It just blows my mind, all of this blows my mind. He worked so hard to get his legal issues on the right track. He was almost done with all this mess and now he has to start all over again even worse he has a warrant issued for his arrest. BEAUTIFUL!

My anger has turned into despair. I find myself having to take long deep breaths. I’m so anxious ALL the time. It feels like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. I've text Al, he hasn't responded. 

This kind of pain doesn't go anywhere, it lingers, engulfing your heart with each passing day. Having to watch our son being taken hostage by a drug is horrify. We feel so hopeless because there’s nothing we can do...  Nothing but watch him walk away right back into the arms of his addiction.

And now I just sit and wait for the phone call! 



Thursday, March 26, 2015

Please Fight

I don't know whether to scream or cry...

I feel so empty... so lost. I'm in a fog...

Oh monkey please find your way back, I'm right here waiting. I'm so afraid. What if I lose you? How am I going to live without you?

Please don't do this... Please fight! Please monkey I need you!


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Angry

As the days pass I'm getting more and more angry!

I texted my son last night, we still haven't heard from him... I could feel my rage rising.

ME: Just so you know if you don't call your uncle or your dad in the next day or two I'm going to hunt you down I WILL find you and it won't be pretty so we can do this the easy way or the hard way. I may not be ready to talk to you about this but your uncle and your dad are waiting for your call and I need to know what your plan is and if you're OK so you better call someone soon!

AL: Listen I'm working 11 hour days I know it may not seem important to me but the time I do have in the morning there both working and I know how it is when u take personal calls at work and you don't wanna talk to me but you can "hunt me down" it doesn't make much sense to me so I'll ask them when will be a good time to call I

ME: Just call them sometime soon! Just saying I'll do what I got to do!







Monday, March 23, 2015

He Left....

He left Crossroads on Friday... testing dirty not paying his dues and not going to meetings. He's been with her this whole time. Not one word to me! And just like that my life changed! AGAIN!

I'm going to my first Al-Alon meeting tonight. I figure I better learn how to cope better, it doesn't look good for me. I'm making myself sick! I just want to crawl into a dark room and sleep! SLEEP for days!

WHY?




Saturday, March 21, 2015

Take A Good Look

I had his wallet he needed is to cash his check TONIGHT. Mind you it's 7pm all the banks are closed so that means he's going to a check cashing place. According to him he had to cash his check somewhere before 8 o'clock because he "had" to pay his phone bill. (Right) I was at a friends who lives far. He drove all the way out there with Mia... He looked dis-shoveled, his hair not brushed. My gut feeling said something was wrong. My friend walked him out... Mia was full of rage and slammed the car door on my friend. My friend said she looked horrible. (Deep deep long breaths Ana) I can't help but wonder is this the addict resurfacing or is it a new version of my son? Who ever he is... I don't know him. Two weeks ago he wasn't sure about their relationship. I quote "mom, im not sure if im going to be with her". Today... He wants to marry her? He's pushed his family and friends away again. Hes back to ignoring text messages and phone calls. Below is how our conversation went via text messages after he left...

Me: I wish you weren't so blind.

Al: Please don't start this

Me: Take a good look around you that's gonna be your life. Hope it's all you dreamed of because with her you'll lose everyone and you'll never be free.... It's your life. BTW...She called your Nina scolding her.

Al: Mom there is still hurt feelings around you an her cause there hasn't been any talks about apologizing to one another or any sort of talk at that and part is my fault cause I was going to set that up and I procrastinated but please don't act like your hate towards her isn't biased you try so hard to get everyone to hate her I had a serious conversation between a family member who is extremely close to me and said you try to get them to hate her cause they have influence in my life so please mom don't act like you just wanting to help me out when u hate her so bad you just want her out of my life. She doesn't even have Nina's number and hasn't called her I checked her phone history. Just like how you have all these hard feelings to her it goes both ways mom she can't be around you guys as we'll an needs time and space and I put her in a situation she never wanted to be in and shouldn't have even put her in that situation

Me: Then Nina is a liar? I'll be sure to share this with the family and I'm done.... Keep being her puppet. It's your life not mine... I'm done having to defend myself with my own son. And your wrong I don't hate her. It's to bad your so blind.

Al: You don't have to defend anything mom it is my life I love her and I am going to spend the rest of my life with her. ok mom you can say whatever you want and go ahead keep bringin the family in this when it's none of your guys business it seems everyone can respect that but mom u can lie like u don't despise her and u can think I'm blind but I'm not I know she has the best intentions for me and my future yeah we're human and we make mistakes like any couple but at the end of the day we love each other with every ounce of our souls and any mother would want that for her son some people spend there entire lives finding that.

Me: God bless this road your traveling. I'm letting you go, try and remember who I am... I love you and take care of yourself.

Al: Thank you mom. You can sit in the backseat mom or sit in the front seat I don't care cause I'm going to live my life mom I'd prefer you'd be there at my wedding and in my future kids lives but this is all up to you I love you don't forget that.

Me: I love you too monkey.... Don't you forget that either . I wish things where different.


I'm always the bad guy... ME.. Just ME! 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The Truth Is Ugly

Sometimes I wish I could be oblivious to everything around me.... I wish I could be selfish. I know this sounds crazy and even harsh but at times I really do wish I didn't care, maybe then I wouldn't notice THINGS.

I saw my son this past Sunday for church. And just the day before WE spent the entire day together. Just me and my monkey… It was great!! At the end of the day he had his girlfriend pick him up to take him back to Crossroads. We all know my issues with her and my suspicions concerning her... after my therapy session last week I came to realize that my issue with her is not because I don't like her it's because I see her as a threat to Al's sobriety. (Click, light bulb turning on) I just can't trust her. Her actions, her attitude says to me she hasn't changed. And every time Al is around her something about him changes, regresses.

Sunday morning my son was exhausted as if he hadn't slept all night... in church he was literally falling asleep nodding off throughout the whole thing. After church we went out to lunch with my brother and nephew. I noticed his fingers were dirty and it almost looked like the soot he use to get on his fingers when he smoked heroin. Then I noticed a smudge on the side of his nose like the soot he use to leave on his face when he smoking heroin. As soon as I noticed it my stomach sank and my heart started to pound and ache, I couldn't focus, inside I was panicking. I kept thinking in my head "what is that on his face and fingers. could it be?". I tried to let it go but I just couldn't. Later that same day I called my son and told him what I saw. He of course got upset... but that's the normal, I confront him on things all the time and he gets so mad at me. But he knows me, I'm going to talk to him if I see something I don't like. He said "MOM, PLEASE STOP! I DIDN'T GET HIGH, I didn’t get high with MIA I didn't get high period… I DIDN'T DO ANY DRUGS. How can you ask me that, I’m in a place trying to get clean?". I just cried because I hate questioning him when he's is trying so hard. (deep breaths Ana) I know he wants to be free from his addiction. I also know he's fighting for his life, he wants to live. He told me that not too long ago.. he said "I want to live and if I use I know it will kill me".

I keep trying to tell myself “YOU don't know what that was on his hand ANA so stop being presumptuous, but my gut feeling is yelling at me saying "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ANA".

It's so HARD to trust him! And it make me so sad that I can’t, at least not yet!! But I was lied to so many times over and over. He would even yell and screamed at me making me feel like a horrible mother for asking such questions back when he was on heroin... turns out I was right about everything. He KNEW I knew and he hated that. BUT me being who I am I could never just let it go and turn a blind eye... I had to know, I couldn't ignore it even if I wanted to, I’m not made that way. I HAVE no CHOICE I'm a MOTHER. If I ignore the things I see I would never forgive myself or be able to live with myself if something happen to him and I didn't confront him.

The truth is ugly but I can't live with the lies anymore!! HATE THIS! I hate his addiction for robbing me of my sanity and I hate DRUGS… I HATE EVERYTHING!




Thursday, March 12, 2015

Foiled

Last week my husband and I where making dinner. He goes to the kitchen drawer and grabs the foil. Opens the lid, pulls a sheet of foil out. As he rips the foil from its box the sound of the foil crinkling makes me cringe. At that moment my husband looks up at me and says “I don’t know about you and I can’t even imagine how it makes Allen feel but… I’ll never look at foil the same again. I don’t like using it anymore, it makes me sick”  I looked up at him and said “ME TO!!” Crazy, right? 

I noticed one day while cooking, I was subconsciously avoiding having to use the foil. When I bake now instead of using foil to cover my baking dish I put a cookie sheet over it instead. I've never done that before, not until I started finding burnt foil in Al’s room from his heroin days.  I thought I was the only one who felt this way about foil. So when my husband said this out of the blue I felt so relieved, I felt normal for having these feelings. When I told Al about the conversation I had with his dad about this, I’ll never forget the look on his face. We were driving on our way back to Crossroads when I asked him if he felt this way too… his eyes got wide and I could see the anguish in his stare as he looked at me with this intense look of bewilderment. Before I could finish my sentence he said “YES… ME TOO… I feel the same way mom” he said “when I hear foil being used at work in the kitchen or at Crossroads, I get the chills all over my body, every hair stands up on end and start to shiver”. He explained it in such a way that I FELT those chills he was describing, and I felt his anguish in the pit of my stomach.

 It’s like a ghost that comes to haunt him daily.  

It made me sad!

BUT… He’s still fighting off those ghost!!



Monday, March 2, 2015

The Struggle

Sometimes I think my husband and I have some form of PTSD. I’m not trying to make light of that either. Sometimes when something goes wrong with Al my husband and I go into “war” mode and we snap. It could be anything that set off those emotions of anger, sadness… FEAR! No one tells you once you son is in recovery all the yucky emotional scars start to surface. When those the emotional layers start to peel off instead of it being freeing and feeling good it’s painful and binding. It’s not easy trusting him anymore… how can we trust him? Just three months ago our son was on the path to his grave. So trusting his words, his intentions and even more so his judgment is proving to be a lot harder than we thought. Although for the most part I have learned the ART of letting go. Truly I have… and it’s so nice! That doesn’t mean I don’t feel scared for him and sad about his struggle, I do but then I am able to look up to the sky take a deep breath and say “I’ve giving it to you GOD”. HA… then I take another deep breath, send Al my love (spiritually) and move on with my day.

Thinking about it for a moment… we went from our son using $80 worth in heroin every day, sick, thin, frail and wasting away to literality going into detox overnight getting clean looking healthy, happy and focused on a future. PLEASE don’t get me wrong… every signal day that goes by with my son on the path of recovery we are HAPPY and relieved. Our level of stress has almost diminished. But it’s probity going to take some TIME for us to recover too.

I keep this picture of both my boys on my desk at work. It sits right in front of me. This picture was one of the happiest moments I've had with my son in a long time. On this day he was 3 weeks clean and he was genuinely happy and so full of joy on this day I've never seen his eyes sparkle so much, I've never seen his smile so bright. It reminds me every time I get discouraged that he's going to make it... We just need to getting through all this yucky stuff.