I don't even know where to begin... this week has been a nightmare. A week ago today on the 25th Mariah killed herself. She took a gun and shot herself in the head. The demons that haunted her we're just too much to bear. She just couldn't take the voices in her head and couldn't fight her addiction.
I've been going through an array of emotions the entire week... sadness anger grief devastation but mostly regret. You see I had lost my patience with Mariah. I no longer tolerate her. She was angry and bitter and pushed me and everyone away except for Allen. In hindsight it all makes perfect sense now. But at the time our life was nothing but chaos and heartache, watching our son continue to go downhill was killing us & I was fighting for his life. Mariah and I had a falling out and the last words I said to her were not very nice and I didn't mean it. Fighting with two additcs was exhausting. If you know anything about addiction you know that it's a battle. With Mariah it was different she had this heaviness in her heart that was unbreakable, it exuded from her presence and it scared me to death. Now I know why.
I find myself getting lost in thought. Thinking of the moments I had with her that were not chaotic or filled with animosity. There were moments where she let her wall down and I got to see little pieces of who she really was. In those moments I love her. Why????? Why?
I'm not sure if my son is really dealing with it yet. Thankfully he's had lots of support and a lot of distractions to keep his mind busy and content. But I wonder when the dust settles and things quiet down if the grief will surface? I'm scared he will relapse.
(DEEP BREATH)..... (JUST BREATH ANA)
I'm sorry Mariah!