Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Mariah... Im so sorry!

The last words I said to her where awful... It was so full of anger, resentment and pain. I said " Just grow up please Mariah, for Al's sake GROW UP!!" She said something in response, I don't even recall what she said? I just remember the words flying out of MY mouth as if I was vomiting them. I screamed " I hate you, you whore, you WHORE, I hope you die". She was using and at the time Al was at Crossroad he already relapsed and was hiding it from everyone, I could tell. I was tired, sick and tired, sick of it all... sick of all the lies... I was mad. As I stood in my door way handing her the dog I had enough of her snide remarks and I exploded... I had an out of body experience, it was as if I was floating on air towards her in slow motion and everything was in red. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and all I could see was her face with that look of hatred yelling at me. Out of nowhere my youngest son Steven comes from behind me wraps his arms around me pulling me backwards into the house with enough force to jerked my head forward. I remember when Steven got me inside the house I was shaking and sobbing, stuck in gazing staring at nothing... staring blindly past him, just sobbing. Steven shaking me with his hands on my solders saying "let her GO MOM, let them both go mom. ENOUGH! This is going to kill you". When I finally woke up from what felt like a trans I looked up at Steven who was staring at me with this look of sorrow as if he just saw a piece of me break; I just dug my face into his chest and cried. Two week after our falling out Allen left Crossroads, they where together but she wouldn't tell me where he was. This was our life... and she wondered why I was so angry. But I was just angry that's all, I was just tired.

 I regret what said! I regret every single word that came out of my mouth. And now I have to eat my words for the rest of my life. (sobbing)

I don't know what to say or what to think? What is death about? Is it real? Where do we go, how do we know? I don't want to talk about it!!!!

Mariah..... I'm so sorry! (tears)

I think of her everyday. My heart weighs heavy everyday. I think of her face... her delicate little features her small little frame how frail she looked. My heart screams why couldn't I save her life? Why did she fight me all the time... why did she always push me away? Why God did it have to be this way? (I can't breath, take a deep breath)

Mariah ... I wish I could tell you I'm sorry for everything that I said! I wish I could have handled myself better when you were alive. I wish you would have made it far away from the drugs that feed your depression that took root in your heart. I wish I could tell you goodbye.


Patricia Hull said...

Wow. Sigh. I just spent the last hour or so reading about your life during this last year. I am so sorry for all the pain and heartache you have endured. I am sorry for your painful loss as you mourn a life so tragically lived and so tragically given up. I feel that Mariah's negative feelings toward you were because of how much you love your son. Not because of anything you did, but because she so desired for someone to consider her worth as well. Please do not allow yourself to be consumed with guilt. You are Allen's mother, a lioness, who will do anything to protect her babies. That is nothing you need to feel guilty about. Mourn, yes absolutely, but know that you are doing what needs to be done for your son. Remember, we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against the principalities in the heavenly realm. Our fight is on our knees.

My stepson died of a heroin overdose in May 2015. He was living at a sober living home here in California. He was involved with talking to others about addiction. He looked good, seemed clear headed, was praying regularly and not avoiding his father's calls. He had just asked Jesus into his heart Mother's Day 2014 while in jail, but he still fought his addiction. God knows when our time will come, but I praise Him that He allowed my husband's testimony to reach Charlie's ears so that he could find Jesus. We rest in the knowledge that Charlie is celebrating his life with Jesus. No more pain or sorrow or struggles.

Thank you for sharing your story; your life. I mourn with you and pray your prayer that Allen will survive this addiction, this loss. Do not give up! I know you are tired. I feel it. Pray for courage to continue on and remember God is mighty and powerful and prayer changes things. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is alive in you!!! We serve a living God who is still on the throne and He will never leave you nor forsake you!!! Trust in Him. Look for a Celebrate Recovery in you area as it is a biblically based addiction recovery program and is very successful. It will help you and your family as well.

I love you with the love of our Lord! Rest in Him.

Patricia Hull said...

A few days ago I spent an hour or so reading your last years post. I am so sad for you right now and wonder how you are doing. I am a little concerned for Allen and you and pray you are both staying strong.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You were doing what you felt was the best way to protect your son. I understand.

Please know that I care about what you are going through and I feel your pain and desperation. Please continue to look to God for strength. He loves you and Allen so much.

Your Sister in the Lord.