The last words I said to her where awful... It was so full of anger, resentment and pain. I said " Just grow up please Mariah, for Al's sake GROW UP!!" She said something in response, I don't even recall what she said? I just remember the words flying out of MY mouth as if I was vomiting them. I screamed " I hate you, you whore, you WHORE, I hope you die". She was using and at the time Al was at Crossroad he already relapsed and was hiding it from everyone, I could tell. I was tired, sick and tired, sick of it all... sick of all the lies... I was mad. As I stood in my door way handing her the dog I had enough of her snide remarks and I exploded... I had an out of body experience, it was as if I was floating on air towards her in slow motion and everything was in red. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and all I could see was her face with that look of hatred yelling at me. Out of nowhere my youngest son Steven comes from behind me wraps his arms around me pulling me backwards into the house with enough force to jerked my head forward. I remember when Steven got me inside the house I was shaking and sobbing, stuck in gazing staring at nothing... staring blindly past him, just sobbing. Steven shaking me with his hands on my solders saying "let her GO MOM, let them both go mom. ENOUGH! This is going to kill you". When I finally woke up from what felt like a trans I looked up at Steven who was staring at me with this look of sorrow as if he just saw a piece of me break; I just dug my face into his chest and cried. Two week after our falling out Allen left Crossroads, they where together but she wouldn't tell me where he was. This was our life... and she wondered why I was so angry. But I was just angry that's all, I was just tired.
I regret what said! I regret every single word that came out of my mouth. And now I have to eat my words for the rest of my life. (sobbing)
I don't know what to say or what to think? What is death about? Is it real? Where do we go, how do we know? I don't want to talk about it!!!!
Mariah..... I'm so sorry! (tears)
I think of her everyday. My heart weighs heavy everyday. I think of her face... her delicate little features her small little frame how frail she looked. My heart screams why couldn't I save her life? Why did she fight me all the time... why did she always push me away? Why God did it have to be this way? (I can't breath, take a deep breath)
Mariah ... I wish I could tell you I'm sorry for everything that I said! I wish I could have handled myself better when you were alive. I wish you would have made it far away from the drugs that feed your depression that took root in your heart. I wish I could tell you goodbye.
Monday, November 2, 2015
I don't even know where to begin... this week has been a nightmare. A week ago today on the 25th Mariah killed herself. She took a gun and shot herself in the head. The demons that haunted her we're just too much to bear. She just couldn't take the voices in her head and couldn't fight her addiction.
I've been going through an array of emotions the entire week... sadness anger grief devastation but mostly regret. You see I had lost my patience with Mariah. I no longer tolerate her. She was angry and bitter and pushed me and everyone away except for Allen. In hindsight it all makes perfect sense now. But at the time our life was nothing but chaos and heartache, watching our son continue to go downhill was killing us & I was fighting for his life. Mariah and I had a falling out and the last words I said to her were not very nice and I didn't mean it. Fighting with two additcs was exhausting. If you know anything about addiction you know that it's a battle. With Mariah it was different she had this heaviness in her heart that was unbreakable, it exuded from her presence and it scared me to death. Now I know why.
I find myself getting lost in thought. Thinking of the moments I had with her that were not chaotic or filled with animosity. There were moments where she let her wall down and I got to see little pieces of who she really was. In those moments I love her. Why????? Why?
I'm not sure if my son is really dealing with it yet. Thankfully he's had lots of support and a lot of distractions to keep his mind busy and content. But I wonder when the dust settles and things quiet down if the grief will surface? I'm scared he will relapse.
(DEEP BREATH)..... (JUST BREATH ANA)
I'm sorry Mariah!