He’s in the fight for his life. It sounds a bit dramatic but it’s true.
Temptation is hard on any given level, even more so when you’re dealing with something as powerful as drug addiction. It’s constantly waiting for him, living inside him poking him antagonizing him. Available to him at any time, one text message away. All I can do is give him encouragement. The choice has to come from him to fight off his urges. I sit helplessly as I watch him flounder. I have no clue what I’m doing here.
Something inside me speaks to me when he’s not right. It feels like someone whispers in my ear saying “he’s using, he’s high” then a faint translucent haze covers him. Depending on what’s going on with him the colors vary. When it involves drugs I see a dark grey haze. Instantly I get dizzy, then my heart pounds inside my chest. I HATE IT because even if I wanted to ignore IT, I can’t my senses won’t let me. Silently in my head I try to rationalize it. “Maybe it’s your fear Ana” or “Maybe he’s just not feeling good”. But in the end those warning signals are right. He still try’s to lie about his urges, understandably but until he can face the truth his battle will continue. The 12 steps of recovery is correct in every way. He has to concur and practice #10 on a daily basis. He has to concur all of them.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics/drug addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
He contacted his previous sponsor. When he did, he felt a bit safer. His sponsor gives his hope and reminds him of the tools he’s needs to use in order to move forward. He’s going to a meeting tonight… the timing could have been better!
One day at a time... One step at a time! It sounds easy enough but it's not, it's an uphill battle with jagged rocks beneath his feet.