Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Sleep Is my Only Xscape

Al messaged me on Friday wanting to know if he could come by on Saturday to see me and talk to me.

ME: “of course, I miss you, I need to see you”.

AL:  “I miss you all more than you can believe”. 

My heart was in my throat as I texted back saying…

ME: “We can’t wait to see you!! If you can’t make it just call or text me ok. I love you son… I love you with all my heart”.

AL: OK mom will do, you already know I love you too more than anything.

I’m not sure if he came over just to see us or if he wanted to reassure us that he’s going to get help. (Sooner or later) I don’t know? His goal was to check into a place this week. I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m NOT getting my hopes up!! UGH… ! As I sit here thinking about it I can feel my heart race. I’m sitting at my desk at work thinking of it… I put my hands on my face touching my checks, they feel warm...I feel flushed. I take deep breaths, rubbing my forehead because I can feel a headache coming on. As I sit there with my elbows resting on my desk slumped over with face buried my hands feeling like I just need to go home and curl up in my bed and just sleep. Sleep is my only xscape.

I’m not going to lie, seeing him and hugging him puts my nerves at ease. When I hug him I hug him like it’s going to be my last time. I wrap my arms around him I close my eyes and take it in. I get lost in his arms. Hugs from my son are few and far between these days. But l can't help but think about what my husband said when he left. He said “Seeing him in this condition or him disappearing and not seeing him for weeks feels the same to me... It hurts! It gives me anxiety, my chest hurts because I can’t STAND to see him this way, and I just can’t deal with it. I rather not see him at all, it hurts to much to see him like this.”
I must admit I agree with him.

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