Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Am I coping?

How do you cope? I got asked that question recently. Ever since I got asked that question I’ve been struggling on how to answer it.

Am I coping?

I think I’m surviving, some would say that’s coping but is it really? My church is wanting to start a support group for families of addicts. A beautiful idea, what an amazing thing!! I’ve been asked to lead it I think because I’m so involved with their homeless ministry and they know my struggles with my son. When I first got asked I was excited at the thought of being surrounded by other just like me. The thought of passing on my knowledge to help another parent makes me feel useful. We’ve been pretty transparent in this very overwhelming struggle with people. When my son was in recovery he shared his story with the church and his dream was to help others like him. He was brilliant at speaking out and courageous and open when it came to talking to others about his addiction. He once told me it would make all the wrongs he done right if he could just help one person. I truly believe he wants that and would be amazing at connecting with others. If he where clean and sober I truly believe he could save others with his story. But obviously he is in no position to help anyone, at least not right now.

But am I? My heart is always with my son and always worried. I wait for “THE CALL” and every day that passes is one day closer to that reality. How I’ve gotten by this far is no short of a miracle. My family (some members, not all of them) has given me hope and some of my good friends. My church has given me hope… strength and the belief that God is in control. I no longer fear the “what’s to come” because I truly believe that’s out of my control. I may dread it but I don't fear it anymore! Although support has given me the will to move forward it hasn’t and will not take away my sadness, nothing will until he’s clean and sober. I don’t know how to move on from that. He’s still here, he’s still sick, he’s still so far away from me. I have no idea how to deal with that.  

I wonder if I am in the position to help others? My struggle is not over, it’s on going. There is no answers! Or is the answer in just being someone’s support? I do know that talking to other with strong beliefs helped me. HECK talking with ANYONE who showed compassion helped… anyone who would listen helped me. In fact it’s what’s saving me now.

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