Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Dear...

Dear Al & Mia,

Here is my TRUTH, I have to figure out how to heal myself from all this trauma, whether you want to hear it or not this has been and still is traumatic for me. I have to try and figure out how to move on with my life with you in this current condition. If I don’t I will wither away in my grief, and I still have your brother who needs his mother, he needs me now and I need to be well for him.

TRUE: Mia I have so much anger towards you. I’m sorry to say this but Mia you seem to be my trigger. I’m so angry with you for so many reasons. I do blame you for being my sons “addiction” provider. The truth is you made it easy on him to be a heroin addict (an addict in general) by being his ATM. You provide the funds for the drug use. I RESENT YOU FOR THAT! You are an enabler. You enable him in every way. That’s not love that’s a need you’re fulfilling. Al gives you what you need, he fills a void in you. But I should have NEVER said the things I said to you Mia and I’m sorry for that. I truly am sorry for that. I regret every single word. TRUTH: I care for you Mia. I know you have had it rough growing up with two deceased parents who battled with their own addictions. I can’t imagine the emptiness and loneliness you must feel. I wish I could be there for you but you’ve done nothing but push me away. You push everyone away.  I wish you and I could find mutual respect for each other but at this moment and time that’s not possible. Maybe someday. Only time will tell.

FALSE: I never told anyone to not like Mia. NEVER… and I will stand up to anyone face to face with that. Everyone developed their own opinions all on their own. How they feel about her are their own feelings and I had nothing to do with that. Everyone has their own mind and their own set of eyes and what they saw was obvious, it obvious to everyone.

TRUE: You are my son Al and I know your heart, I KNOW you. I love you unconditionally. YOU know this and you know how to find me. Our relationship is in your hands. I’ve never denied you, I’ve always backed you and I’ve stood up for you. I will always be here for you. What happens from here on out is up to you. I can’t keep chasing you… I’m tired.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. - Calvin Coolidge”

Such true words…. This is your battle son. This is Mia’s battle. You can’t help each other, you can only help yourself through this. That’s the TRUTH. I pray one day you see that.

As YOUR mom Al I have to be honest with you. I accept that you are as much to blame for your addiction as she is and I’m equally sickened with both of you for enabling each other and that you continue to enable each other. My heart-aches with the fact that you will never recover from being an addict with another addict. The odds are not in your favor. However, if you really feel you both can ‘recover together’ then you BOTH will need to do it on YOUR own. Al if choose to go this route with Mia you will have find the means to get you both in a program. That’s part of being a man. Your winning lottery ticket will not be offered again until you decide to go on your own journey with conditions. California would have been the best thing for you. The treatment center we found for you would have been your best shot at recovering. It’s a dual diagnosis facility where they treat the addiction and depression, bi-polar and any other mental illness that needs healing. The condition is… you have to be willing to leaving your old life behind including the people who enable you and anyone associated to your current condition. No program in the world will work if you’re not willing to give it all up.

My acceptance and forgiveness to your current life will be conditional.  If you two do it together then I will accept it……….condition is you both have to be clean and sober for one year each of you working a program then I will work on MY feelings towards Mia. There is always room for forgiveness it is the forgetting part that I have to work on, when you BOTH are clean and sober I will put my best foot forward in rebuilding this broken bridge.
If you ever need a hot meal PLEASE let me know. You will always be my son Al, you will always be my love... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! “Always and forever"!

Mom





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