Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Reminiscing

I was laying on the bedroom floor playing with my puppy the other morning, as I do most mornings. I get my pillow and lay it on the floor next to the bed on my husbands side. I lay on my tummy, prop my arms on the pillow crisscross and rest my chin on my wrist. My little girl puppy jumps around my head nibbling on my hair and licking my face. She love it when I take the time to play with her before I get dressed for work. As I laid there watching her play I turn my head to the left looking underneath the bed. There lays this forgotten long plastic bin with memories of my boys grade school days inside. I see through container, it's clear and I packed everything neatly in smaller boxes with labels on each box.... I'm a little OCD. Facing me is this one shoe box with a red lid labeled "Allen's Kindergarten Art Work". I just stare at it for a minute reminiscing. I remember his first day of school. He was so eager to start. I dressed him in a brand new white t-shirt, jean shorts and a pair of new blue and white Nike's. His hair was combs neatly to the side, he looked so cute standing by the kitchen door with his backpack on. Looking back now, I would have never believed he would be where he is at today. If only I had had a crystal ball.

Allen has always been the type of person who liked change. He didn't mind trying new things either. His first day of school my entire core family went to see him off. (Smiling) I remember him walking in the school like he owned the place. So bright eyed and full of grit. As we walked into his new class room he just kept smiling at everyone as he looked around checking out the scenery, he didn't say a single word he just kept smiling as he looked around in awe. We found his assigned seat and he sat down looking at us with this great big smile, he was ready to go. I just whispered in his ear telling him "I love you, be a good boy and play nice." He gave me kiss and I walked to the door where my family was waiting. We all where waiting for him to run after us as we walked out the door saying good bye. But he didn't... he just looked at us like "I'm OK, you guys can leave now". hahaha! His childhood was filled with so many good moments like that. That year was filled with many first... his first time away from me, his first field trip, his first time on the big yellow bus, his first best friend.

Al and I were lucky. We had a man in our life who took care of us. His daddy may not be his blood but he might as well be... because my husband loves Al so much he would give him his last dollar if he thought it would help him.

I wish he knew how we hurt for him everyday. How he's always on our mind. How not a day goes by without his name mentioned. My husband and I are drifting apart. The stress of all these years of struggle and now the stress of not hearing from him and not knowing where he is or if he's OK is talking it's toll on us. I don't know if we are going to make it. At this point it really doesn't matter because our life will always be in crisis, and we don't handle our stress well at all. We're broken!




1 comment:

Mrs. Dubose said...

This post breaks my heart. As another parent of an addict, I gently suggest you go to an al anon meeting. You and your husband can find your way back to each other. It may take time to find the right meeting with people who get you, but keep on going until you do. It's worth it. YOU'RE worth it.