Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Disconnected

His phone is now turned off. He still has not contacted me. Disconnected again... Out of reach once more. He never called on Easter, and he hasn't talked to anyone. Its like he wants to disappear.

I have decided, I'm not going to chasing him this time. I need him to choose to call me, to choose to face us. It has to be his choice. I know I was the only voice of reason he allowed in his world last time but this time around he has shut me out completely. Begging him won't do anything.

Sometimes its feels like I can't catch my breath. Anxiety is high. I keep getting reminded that my health is poor and I need to keep it together for my other son and my husband. The pressure of having to stay strong stresses me out the most because I don't know if its OK to cry anymore. My family and friends mean well but I don't think they realize how I struggle.

Trying to contain all this sadness and worry is exhausting and impossible. It lingers like fog... dense and vast. I have no idea how to make it go away. (Deep Breath Ana) However with that being said I know I'm walking on the edge and I have to SOMEHOW try and channel all this negative energy into something else. I'm working on that. Mean time I try so hard to hide my heart ache. I miss him and I'm so worried he will overdose or wither away with his already thin frame.



2 comments:

Liz said...

Oh Ana... I am so sorry.. I pray for you and your beautiful boy! When my daughter was actively using, I felt the same way.. anxious, nervous, jumpy, unable to sleep, contantly on the verge of tears and always short tempered... No matter what, I couldn't help myself. These are our children we're talking about! Life and Death! Please take care of yourself while God watchs over your son.

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry to hear this, and yes we all feel like you do when they are actively using and we can't reach them. It is okay to cry but it is also okay to take breaks from thinking about him and take care of yourself. There were times that I could only get through the day second by second. Like Ana said please try to take care of yourself. I am praying that you hear from him soon and that he seeks recovery again. It is such a hard, scary journey. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to stay strong, we all do the best we can on any given day Ana. -- Erin