Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The Truth Is Ugly

Sometimes I wish I could be oblivious to everything around me.... I wish I could be selfish. I know this sounds crazy and even harsh but at times I really do wish I didn't care, maybe then I wouldn't notice THINGS.

I saw my son this past Sunday for church. And just the day before WE spent the entire day together. Just me and my monkey… It was great!! At the end of the day he had his girlfriend pick him up to take him back to Crossroads. We all know my issues with her and my suspicions concerning her... after my therapy session last week I came to realize that my issue with her is not because I don't like her it's because I see her as a threat to Al's sobriety. (Click, light bulb turning on) I just can't trust her. Her actions, her attitude says to me she hasn't changed. And every time Al is around her something about him changes, regresses.

Sunday morning my son was exhausted as if he hadn't slept all night... in church he was literally falling asleep nodding off throughout the whole thing. After church we went out to lunch with my brother and nephew. I noticed his fingers were dirty and it almost looked like the soot he use to get on his fingers when he smoked heroin. Then I noticed a smudge on the side of his nose like the soot he use to leave on his face when he smoking heroin. As soon as I noticed it my stomach sank and my heart started to pound and ache, I couldn't focus, inside I was panicking. I kept thinking in my head "what is that on his face and fingers. could it be?". I tried to let it go but I just couldn't. Later that same day I called my son and told him what I saw. He of course got upset... but that's the normal, I confront him on things all the time and he gets so mad at me. But he knows me, I'm going to talk to him if I see something I don't like. He said "MOM, PLEASE STOP! I DIDN'T GET HIGH, I didn’t get high with MIA I didn't get high period… I DIDN'T DO ANY DRUGS. How can you ask me that, I’m in a place trying to get clean?". I just cried because I hate questioning him when he's is trying so hard. (deep breaths Ana) I know he wants to be free from his addiction. I also know he's fighting for his life, he wants to live. He told me that not too long ago.. he said "I want to live and if I use I know it will kill me".

I keep trying to tell myself “YOU don't know what that was on his hand ANA so stop being presumptuous, but my gut feeling is yelling at me saying "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ANA".

It's so HARD to trust him! And it make me so sad that I can’t, at least not yet!! But I was lied to so many times over and over. He would even yell and screamed at me making me feel like a horrible mother for asking such questions back when he was on heroin... turns out I was right about everything. He KNEW I knew and he hated that. BUT me being who I am I could never just let it go and turn a blind eye... I had to know, I couldn't ignore it even if I wanted to, I’m not made that way. I HAVE no CHOICE I'm a MOTHER. If I ignore the things I see I would never forgive myself or be able to live with myself if something happen to him and I didn't confront him.

The truth is ugly but I can't live with the lies anymore!! HATE THIS! I hate his addiction for robbing me of my sanity and I hate DRUGS… I HATE EVERYTHING!

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