Monday, December 28, 2015

A Library For Mariah

Well I have some exciting news! I've been in communication with crossroads flower and they have given me approval to build a library in honor of Mariah. I'm so excited!! Mariah was an avid reader, she LOVED books. I'm going to make it my life mission to make this library full of amazing books for these women in recovery. Maybe some day I can build liberties on other recovery centers, wouldn't that be amazing.

If you have books you would like to donate please contact me! I will make arrangements to get them from you! My email: hopefloats.ana@gmail.com
 

  

Friday, December 18, 2015

Just Keep Moving

Just keep moving don’t get stuck there; that’s what Allen told me. “It’s ok to be mad, it’s ok to be sad and to morn; just don’t get stuck there. We have to find the strength to pull ourselves out of despair and start new sometimes. Don’t be afraid of change, we HAVE to be adaptable to change and to consistently take inventory of our self. Take time to pray and to meditate. Find your serenity, LET GO AND LET GOD and focus on one day at a time.” – Allen

He amazes me every time I see him. He now gives me advise and comforts ME. He knew I was having a hard time with Mariah’s death. I try not to show it when I’m with him because I want to be strong for him but he knows me all too well. It’s been six weeks since her death. Our hearts are still broken but now we can at least talk about her without breaking down. I can tell Allen is trying so hard to sort through his emotions, he has so many memories that are good and bad and a ton of regrets. His mind is so cluttered with all his thoughts from his past that he gets a little lost in there but thankfully he has some really good mentors he can call and talk to. Come to find out he’s a lot stronger and more put together than I realized. He has had so much support where he’s at. After her death his sober community all gathered around him and poured nothing but love and hope into him on a consistent basis even to this day. I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE! Recovering addicts and families of addicts are the most compassionate people I’ve ever met. I think it’s because they have been through hell and back, been judged and discarded. They understand all about the realities of life and how unpleasant it can be. And they understand all too well about loss.

On December 14th Allen started NEW. He registered for school and is now attending Arizona College studding to be a medical assistant. His long term goals are to further is education to be a Nurse Practitioner and eventually work at a recovery treatment center. I give all glory to GOD!

Taken in school 12/16/2015!

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

It's Time

I decided to do something to make amends to Mariah. I decided to start spreading hope and awareness on drug addiction and suicide in honor of her. It’s healing in a way. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to cope with, drug addiction, suicide… death. (Heavy sign) You know… I thought I knew what I was dealing with, I thought I was prepared. I thought I researched it all. Read books, searched the internet and read dozens of websites and blogs and talked to professionals but nothing can or will prepare you for that day when you lose the battle. The truth is nothing will prepare you for this kind of outcome. NOTHING! Her suicide has left me with so many questions. DRUG ADDICTION, OVERDOSE… SUICIDE and DEATH, it’s too complex to try and fully understand.

I’ve been taking it easy on myself lately. I try and not dwell on the “I should’ve” instead I’m focusing on the “I can”. I can spread awareness and I can start a blog and write about her life as I know it. I can be a kinder and more forgiving person, and once a month go to Crossroads for woman and talk about Mia’s story. I'm sharing the link below. Please share it, it's time we start a conversation about this. I LOVE YOU Mia!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Mariah... Im so sorry!

The last words I said to her where awful... It was so full of anger, resentment and pain. I said " Just grow up please Mariah, for Al's sake GROW UP!!" She said something in response, I don't even recall what she said? I just remember the words flying out of MY mouth as if I was vomiting them. I screamed " I hate you, you whore, you WHORE, I hope you die". She was using and at the time Al was at Crossroad he already relapsed and was hiding it from everyone, I could tell. I was tired, sick and tired, sick of it all... sick of all the lies... I was mad. As I stood in my door way handing her the dog I had enough of her snide remarks and I exploded... I had an out of body experience, it was as if I was floating on air towards her in slow motion and everything was in red. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and all I could see was her face with that look of hatred yelling at me. Out of nowhere my youngest son Steven comes from behind me wraps his arms around me pulling me backwards into the house with enough force to jerked my head forward. I remember when Steven got me inside the house I was shaking and sobbing, stuck in gazing staring at nothing... staring blindly past him, just sobbing. Steven shaking me with his hands on my solders saying "let her GO MOM, let them both go mom. ENOUGH! This is going to kill you". When I finally woke up from what felt like a trans I looked up at Steven who was staring at me with this look of sorrow as if he just saw a piece of me break; I just dug my face into his chest and cried. Two week after our falling out Allen left Crossroads, they where together but she wouldn't tell me where he was. This was our life... and she wondered why I was so angry. But I was just angry that's all, I was just tired.

 I regret what said! I regret every single word that came out of my mouth. And now I have to eat my words for the rest of my life. (sobbing)

I don't know what to say or what to think? What is death about? Is it real? Where do we go, how do we know? I don't want to talk about it!!!!

Mariah..... I'm so sorry! (tears)

I think of her everyday. My heart weighs heavy everyday. I think of her face... her delicate little features her small little frame how frail she looked. My heart screams why couldn't I save her life? Why did she fight me all the time... why did she always push me away? Why God did it have to be this way? (I can't breath, take a deep breath)

Mariah ... I wish I could tell you I'm sorry for everything that I said! I wish I could have handled myself better when you were alive. I wish you would have made it far away from the drugs that feed your depression that took root in your heart. I wish I could tell you goodbye.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Mariah Killed Herself

I don't even know where to begin... this week has been a nightmare. A week ago today on the 25th Mariah killed herself. She took a gun and shot herself in the head. The demons that haunted her we're just too much to bear. She just couldn't take the voices in her head and couldn't fight her addiction.
I've been going through an array of emotions the entire week... sadness anger grief devastation but mostly regret. You see I had lost my patience with Mariah. I no longer tolerate her. She was angry and bitter and pushed me and everyone away except for Allen. In hindsight it all makes perfect sense now.  But at the time our life was nothing but chaos  and heartache, watching our son continue to go downhill was killing us & I was fighting for his life. Mariah and I had a falling out and the last words I said to her were not very nice and I didn't mean it. Fighting with two additcs was exhausting. If you know anything about addiction you know that it's a battle. With Mariah it was different she had this heaviness in her heart that was unbreakable, it exuded from her presence and it scared me to death. Now I know why.
I find myself getting lost in thought. Thinking of the moments I had with her that were not chaotic or filled with animosity. There were moments where she let her wall down and I got to see little pieces of who she really was. In those moments I love her. Why????? Why?
I'm not sure if my son is really dealing with it yet. Thankfully he's had lots of support and a lot of distractions to keep his mind busy and content. But I wonder when the dust settles and things quiet down if the grief will surface? I'm scared he will relapse.
(DEEP BREATH)..... (JUST BREATH ANA)
I'm sorry Mariah!




Friday, September 25, 2015

It Got Me Thinking

I couldn’t sleep last night. It’s what my husband said to me right before he went to bed “Don’t you feel blessed right NOW? Things are so good, Praise God” It got me thinking! Laying there in my bed the house was so silent and all I could hear was the humming of the ceiling fan above me, it put me in a trans. Thoughts of different time periods in our life kept rolling through my mind like a movie real. All the worst moments and all the good moments, moments that scared us and changed us forever replayed in my head as I laid there trying to fall asleep. It made me feel just like what my husband said “BLESSED”. I instantly thought of Allen. I rolled over and looked at my phone laying on my night stand… picked it up and texted my son. The following text message followed.




I took a deep long breath, smiled and fought back my tears. I thought to myself... right now, in this very moment VICTORY is ours!


Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Conversations

When I drive to and from work the radio is off and all I do is talk to God. I’ve been doing this for two years now. The people driving next to me probably think I’m crazy or a little lonely because there I am all alone in my car talking to myself. (giggle) It’s amazing on how much that helps me, I find my peace in those moments. When Allen was deep into his addiction my talks with God during those drives on the road consist of sadness, fear, anger and remorse. I planned Allen’s funeral and I had to talk to God about it on a daily basis to try and mentally prepare myself. He wasn’t listening or talking to any of us, Allen at that point and time showed no signs of change and I had lost hope. I HAD to come to terms with it in my mind in order to prepare my heart. He was maybe between 115-119 pounds, just withering away. It’s hard to believe that conversation with God was only three months ago. Now my conversations are full of laughter, happiness and humility and hope.

He got his 60 day chip and now he’s working on his 90 day. He moved out of the Pima House (sober living) and moved into an different house in central Phoenix called Casa Milagra another sober living home. I like his new home and I see him growing there! Allen and I are going out to dinner tonight. I LOVE OUR DINNER dates. We explore and pick new places to eat and we have meaningful conversations. We have a lot of catching up to do and getting to know him all over again warms my heart. I’m finding he didn’t lose too much of himself, that beautiful heart and personality are still same… full of love and life.

His 22nd birthday just past. It was a beautiful sunny day. The air was warm and soothing outside. He looks so different now compared to a year ago. I’m in love with our life these days, I’m enjoying one moment at a time. Taking my little victories as they come. So as for today, as for right now I’m celebrating!! Thank you God!


Things are so much more different now. So many things have changed. Allen’s determination is evident. His addiction is teaching us to be companionate, understanding, forgiving and patient.


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Our Conversation

Allen has been going to his outpatient therapy Monday – Thursday for 3 hours a day religiously. He also has been going to AA, HA, NA meetings on a regular basis on top of his outpatient requirements. And now… he has a job, a pretty decent job! Hip hip hooray!

Tuesday night I told Allen I would pick him after IOP and we would go to dinner and catch up. He went to this recovering addicts retreat this past weekend with some of his IOP and sober living buddies. He was so excited to tell me all about it. When Allen and I go out to eat we love to try new places. It’s always been our thing. So we pull into a restaurant called “The Habit” ironic… right? Ha-ha! It’s this trendy hamburger joint off 7th Street and Glendale Ave. The smell of the smoke coming off the grill is what draws you in… it was a good choice, delicious!

As we sat down to eat he started telling me about everything he’s been experiencing from the retreat in Flagstaff, AZ to his daily meetings. His enthusiasm is such a delight to see. That HOPE is still in there floating around inside him, I can see it in his eyes. Our conversation was full of different emotions. It went from light to heavy, all the while he was calm, respective and fully engaged in the conversation with me. At the end of our dinner and our interesting conversation he was in good spirits. I was going to drop him off at a meeting close the area, the location was called the “Solutions” and for some reason this place rang a bell but I could remember why. Then Allen reminded me why, he said “Mom don’t you remember this place? This is where I went to my very first meeting 7 years ago, it’s where I first learned about AA meetings. This is THE place were I first learned about recovery.” Then it hit me, the memories started rolling in. He was still in high school when I made him go to this Narcotic Anonymous meeting here at the Solutions. It was his first and last meeting he attended for the longest time. It’s when I found out he was doing cocaine and ecstasy. He said to me “it’s kind of weird, it feels like I have come full circle.” Right at this moment it started raining… lighting flashing like a strobe light. The streets started flooding and we got a little lost. Finally we found it, I parked on the street and said to him you better run honey it’s bad out there. I sat in my car until I saw him run in the doors. I thanked GOD at that very moment! Took a deep breath and put my car in drive.

As I was driving home, the rain and the wind were relentless, the thunder was flashing everywhere and the streets where flooded and filled with debris. It was a slow, scary drive to the freeway, I felt like I was never going to get through it. It was like a scene out of a movie… it was unreal.



As I got on the I10 freeway the storm started lifting and as I drove past 59th Ave the clouds parted the rain and wind stopped and the sky was clean an clear. As I was driving out of the storm I realized my hands were going numb from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. As I loosened my grip and relaxed my arms and shoulder a sense of relief came over me. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the storm was now behind me. I could see the rain the lighting and the clouds looming over the city in my rear view mirror as I look in front of me I seen nothing but clear skies. Then it hit me… I have come to a full circle also! For today, for right now… I thank God the storm is behind me.





Thursday, August 20, 2015

Déjà vu


I’ve been enjoying the peace in my heart these days. Al on the mend again gives us much needed peace of mind. He looks so healthy again, and he is so full of life right now that it exudes from his person. He has HOPE once again. I give all glory to you GOD. Seeing him smile, laugh and embrace life fills my cup. His laugh…. Oh his laugh, let me tell you it makes you smile and laugh right along with him. I can tell Junior feels more at ease around Al. It seems like he’s letting his guard down and engages in conversations with Al these days. Slowly I can see that wall coming down piece by piece. Junior would always avoid him, he was afraid to let him in. I understand why he felt that way it was scary to open your heart up to Al at one point because Al was so entrenched by his addiction and nothing really matter to him but heroin. But as of right now in this very moment hearts are healing once again. Thank You GOD!

Tuesday I went to a family therapy session with Allen at Calvary. We had to fill out this packet that we had to read to Allen. I procrastinated all week… the thought of telling Allen my sorrows from my tattered memories weighed heavy on my heart. I woke up with migraines for three days a stiff neck and a stiff back from the tension. I seriously lost my ability to handle stress. I really can’t handle it well anymore, it’s strange. However the stress it caused me last week was all for nothing because Allen took it so well, handled it like a man and was remorseful about the pain he caused us. I see him growing into a whole new person these days. The Allen 40 days ago would have been angry and bitter and defensive and would have avoided taking any responsibility but my son has emerged. On the drive home Allen and I were talking about the meeting and how this month’s past events all fell into place. He said to me as if he had an epiphany “IT WAS GOD mom, it was God. He’s been helping me all this time.” As he was talking I had a déjà vu… an out of body experience. I was looking IN on our conversation threw the front windshield of my car. Maybe it was from all the emotions floating in the air?

Allen has pulled himself back into the present and my heart is healing.


Friday, August 7, 2015

This Young Man

It’s quiet in the office right now my boss left early today and I’m here all alone sitting with my untamed thoughts. It’s currently 4:02pm almost time to leave. As I sit here waiting for the clock to hit 4:30 I can hear the wind blowing the trees outside our window, it’s making this soft taping noise as the branches sway back and forth and it’s almost relaxing. As I sit here trying to quite my fears so I can be happy in this current moment I wrestle with the reality of Al’s disease. Someone in Al’s sober living house died two days before he arrived there. This young man relapsed and overdosed and died in his bed. After my son called to tell me this heartbreaking news I hung up the phone struck with sadness for this young man I didn’t even know. That hit to close to home for me… to to close to home.

His battle for a normal sober life has just begun. He’s now nesting in a sober living home having to be responsible for his own sobriety. The real test begins, staying focused on himself will hard. I just pray he can break free from the things that bind him.

Taking it slow and easy YUP that’s what I’m doing. Taking the little victories as they come and as for to today… he’s where he needs to be! Thank you God!



Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Claim Number

Here’s my rant for the day… Feeling disgusted, angry, overwhelmed with our system.

Got my son in a 30 day treatment facility. Three weeks into it our insurance company informs us that their doctor (who’s on their payroll) has advised them that my son doesn’t need to be in there anymore. He’s better now! They will be discharging him today. If he is to stay and complete the treatment we would have to pay an additional $6,000 on top of the $4,500 we already paid. We do NOT have the money.

I don’t know how to feel about it when it comes to my son’s recovery going forward. Was it enough? Not enough? I’m so frustrated at the system. Our addicts cannot overcome their addictions without treatment, without help. The help available is limited for your everyday average working class Americans like us. He will be going to his AA meetings and his HA meeting and will finish up IOP at Calvary. Thankfully there are non-profit things like AA, which is amazing in giving peer support. It just make me so sad that so many people want help but can’t get the proper treatment they deserve simply because they can't afford it. Addiction in the United States is out of control but our government does not care, no one cares. 

To the insurance company we are nothing but a claim number!


 


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Motherhood, It's The Most Impossible Love

My favorite quote - "I just want you to understand something about motherhood okay. I mean, it's the most impossible love. You tell me when it ends. You tell me when it stops. All I know is, it's absolutely fine for me to teach you how to walk and talk, and then you grow up and you head off in the wrong direction toward a cliff. And I'm supposed to just stand there and wave and go, "Well, kids, good luck. It's Mom. I'm here. “Well, I can't do that. What am I supposed to do, huh? Am I supposed to just put my feet up at the end of the day and say to myself, "Well, you know, they're on their own. - Diane Keaton (Because I Said So)

Monday (yesterday) we had a therapy session with Allen. Needless to say it didn’t go well, I left there feeling depleted and not feeling like anything was resolved, I feel like he just said what we wanted us to hear.

The therapist ask my husband and I “ is there a concern you have the needs to be addressed?” I spoke up and said “Be honest, RIGHT?” The therapist said “yes yes, let's air it out and talk about it.” I said “Mia his girlfriend… or ex-girlfriend so he says. She is our main concern. She enables him and she has convinced herself that she saved (still is saving) his life by doing this, had she not provide the funds for the drugs he would be on the streets doing God knows what to get his drugs. It scares the hell out of me that they both believe this” (oxymoron, right!).... Instantly Al (the addict) comes out, he is getting upset with me I can tell because his demeanor changed the second I mentioned her name. I could feel his negative vibe, it filled the room. He’s still stuck on the idea of her. WHY? WHY WHY!! It’s like he wants to be right for the sake of being right, even if it means losing everything.

Was I NOT supposed to say what I felt when asked the question??… what does he want from me? 

I’m not good at being a door mat and I’m over this situation. I'm letting it go, it is what it is.

I’m so tired I’M JUST SO TIRED!



Friday, July 24, 2015

Yellow Butterflies

It’s funny how when things are looking up you tend to notice beautiful things like a butterfly flying in the sky. A beautiful little yellow butterfly was floating through the shy as I stood outside this morning, and I just enjoyed it's elegance as it danced right in front of me.

Since my son has been in rehab he has called me every signal day. He only gets a few minutes on the phone and he chooses to call me. (SMILING) It’s usually a very short conversation… “How are you feeling today? What did you do today? How are you sleeping?” Then his few minutes are up; we say goodbye and I LOVE YOU and then we hang up. Last night was different he called me and immediately said “mom I have to tell you something”. My heart stopped, I said “what’s wrong son?” He said “I think I want to go to a sober living home when I get done here.” AND JUST LIKE THAT my worries disappear.

You see part of the plan my husband and I discussed and agreed to was to get Al into a sober living community immediately after rehab. It’s his best shot at staying on track. But I was afraid he would get upset and would refuse. But thankfully he came to that decision all on his own. I’ll never forget what he said. Because this is the first time in 7 years I heard HOPE in his voice, TRUE genuine hope. He said “Mom last night I P-R-A-Y-E-D to God to guide me on what to do next. I was feeling unsure and confused. I thought to myself f*** sober living, I just want to go home. But then today I took a tour at a sober living community and I knew this is where I’m supposed to go. It was a feeling inside me.” (Can you picture me smiling, because I am… ear to ear) Then he said “I finally feel like I’m standing on solid ground, I feel good and I have a solid plan.”

Today I called the sober living home he visited and I talked to the director. Steve and I are meeting him tomorrow to look at the home and take a deposit. He has ONE bed left and he’s holding it for Al. THANK YOU GOD!

My brother is always telling me… “Ana you have to take the little victories when you get them.” I’m taking this little victory and I’m running with it!!



Thursday, July 23, 2015

Fight or Flight Mode

I saw my therapist yesterday, perfect timing. So much is going on with Allen that I need someone who is not emotionally attached to the situation to give me their feedback, help me think things out logically and to help to easy my nerves. Steve and I have had a lot of time to think about the future and what’s best for Al in his current state. We made a major decisions. It’s the best thing to do for him and the RIGHT thing to do. I know this decision is the best thing for him, but like the true co-dependent I am I’m feeling anxious about it and I’m afraid of his reaction. Will he feel like we don’t want him at home anymore? Will he regress because of it? Will he get mad and isolate him shelf? I can’t handle the “will he’s” and the “what if’s” and I can already feel my body tensing up as I sit and think about it. I have this tiny little head ache that’s been lingering in the back of my head since Steve and I talked about it last week. I can’t handle this stress anymore.

I’m always feeling anxious, ALWAYS!

My therapist said the part of my brain that stores my fight or flight mode is always on fight AND flight. Because this has been so traumatic for me that part of my brain is always “ON”. So simple, doable things still stresses me out because my brain is always in panic mode. We are starting a new type of therapy next week. It’s been proven to work on service men who suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome. Praying I can handle it because according to my therapist it will emerge traumatic memories I’ve repressed and it can be an intense experience at first because he has to dig up those memories in order to “re-train” my brain on how to turn off my fight or flight mode.

I just want to feel normal again. I'm so tired...




Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Co-Dependent?

Am I a codependent or a stressed out mom of an addict?

So how does one deal emotionally with an addict child? What is normal and what is not? I can’t help but feel heartache when I look at my son. I can’t help but feel lost and helpless. I think any parent would, right? I’m afraid if my son doesn’t get well, if he doesn’t fight and goes back to his drug fueled life I won’t know how to live mine. I afraid he is going to die. I so badly want to save him. The reality is I can’t save him… he has to save himself, and the reality to that is I have no control over that so I have to learn how to cope in healthier ways and set firm healthy boundaries with his current condition.

Codependents are people who let the feelings and actions of another person affect them to the point that they feel like they have lost control of their own lives. These are just some of the ways Codependency effects human lives.

  1. Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved one’s needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them. YES this is me.
  2. Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong. Again this is me when it concerns my son.
  3. Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings. The one thing I don’t do is stay busy. I break down and isolate myself from the world.
  4. Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved one’s anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship. YES me again, I fear if I stress him out he will walk away and get worse.
  5. Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure. ME written all over it. My health issues have increased the past two years.
  6. Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration. I'm addicted to my sons addiction.


I’m going this Thursday to my first meeting at Co-Dependents Anonymous






Monday, July 13, 2015

He's There

He’s there… safe and sound… AND 24 HOURS CLEAN! Praying the next 30 days are going to ignite his desire and will to live FREE from his addiction, both from DRUGS and from her. 

Both of their lives are depending on it...!





Friday, July 10, 2015

We Got A Problem Here

My eyes are swollen from crying and I could barely get out of bed this morning. It was a rough night.

Yesterday I get home from work, Steven is laying on the lazy boy chair and Allen sitting on the couch. I walk in put my purse on the kitchen counter walk into the living. My little dog greets me, I bend down to pet her and I look up at Steven and say hi baby then over to Allen “hi hun”. Allen of course smile’s and say hey mom Steven says hi too but I can sense something is off. I go sit on the couch next to Allen playing with my little dog talking and giggling with him. I look over at Steven and seems somber… I say to him “Are you ok Steven? What’s wrong?” He says “nothing mom I’m just tiered. So sit I there for a few more minute chatting with Allen, look over at Steven and there he sits eerily silent. I know somethings wrong so I ask again “STEVEN what’s wrong hun?” Allen says “Mom he’s just tired, he just got home from football practice.” Steven looks at me and says “he’s right mom I’m just tired”

My husband walks in from work at this time, there’s a little small talk then Allen’s sponsor shows up and Allen leaves to a meeting. I walk into the kitchen and my husband looks at me and says “WE GOT A PROBLEM HERE.” I knew it… I look over at Steven and said “What’s going on?” My husband begins to tell me that Steven called him earlier in the day angry. He found “SOOT” finger prints all over the walls in the bathroom and on the doors too. We all know what that is we’ve been down this road before, the soot is from smoking heroin. Steven pulled out his phone and begins to show me pictures of what he found. My heart sank. Allen is using again. I walk over to Steven and I put my hand on his face looked him in the eye and say “I’m so sorry hun you had to see that, it must of broke your heart, I shouldn’t have put you in this position.”  my chest feels to heavy It feels like I can’t breathe, my heart physically is aching. Steven with his gentle loving soul looks at me and says “what are you sorry for mom, we all made the decision to let him back in and help him, we knew this could happen.” Then he wraps his arms around me and we just embraced for a while not saying a word. I can feel his heart pounding and racing as he takes deep long breaths. He's taken back by the power of Al's addiction, he's not sure what to think. He's dismayed, confused and saddened.   

My darling Steven when did he grow up?

A decision was made, when Allen gets home they would confront him. Steven wanted to express what he was feeling to Al, there was no stopping him. My husband was going to make one last plea to him. He either he goes to an INpatient treatment facility OR he had to go. Al was supposed to start an OUTpatient program on Monday. But my husband said at this point it’s not going to work. His addiction has got him so bad that he’s willing to take the risk of losing this LAST chance he’s been given to get high. You see he just got put on probation. The terms of his probation are… random drug testing, outpatient treatment of some sort and random house checks. If he fails to comply they will drop his plea, his original charge will be reinstated and he will be charged with a felony and go straight to jail for 6 month to 1 year MAYBE even longer.

After arguing, lying, pleading, crying and talking to his sponsor he finally admits he used.  He agreed last night to go to an inpatient facility. And now we just sit and wait to see if he follows through today. PLEASE PRAY FOR US. I fear he’s running out of options. 





Thursday, July 9, 2015

Promptly Admitted It

He’s in the fight for his life. It sounds a bit dramatic but it’s true.

Temptation is hard on any given level, even more so when you’re dealing with something as powerful as drug addiction. It’s constantly waiting for him, living inside him poking him antagonizing him. Available to him at any time, one text message away. All I can do is give him encouragement. The choice has to come from him to fight off his urges. I sit helplessly as I watch him flounder. I have no clue what I’m doing here.

Something inside me speaks to me when he’s not right. It feels like someone whispers in my ear saying “he’s using, he’s high” then a faint translucent haze covers him. Depending on what’s going on with him the colors vary. When it involves drugs I see a dark grey haze. Instantly I get dizzy, then my heart pounds inside my chest. I HATE IT because even if I wanted to ignore IT, I can’t my senses won’t let me. Silently in my head I try to rationalize it. “Maybe it’s your fear Ana” or “Maybe he’s just not feeling good”. But in the end those warning signals are right. He still try’s to lie about his urges, understandably but until he can face the truth his battle will continue. The 12 steps of recovery is correct in every way. He has to concur and practice #10 on a daily basis. He has to concur all of them.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drug addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics/drug addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.



He contacted his previous sponsor. When he did, he felt a bit safer. His sponsor gives his hope and reminds him of the tools he’s needs to use in order to move forward. He’s going to a meeting tonight… the timing could have been better!  

One day at a time... One step at a time! It sounds easy enough but it's not, it's an uphill battle with jagged rocks beneath his feet.






Friday, June 26, 2015

Dear Me

Dear Me, STOP! Take a deep breath. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.



Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Her Letter Is Heartbreaking

I follow David Sheff on Facebook. Periodically he post letters he receives from readers. This one caught my eye. It seems like this mother and I have the same life. But sadly her son passed away and mine is barley hanging on. Sadly this is the harsh realities of our addicts.

"There is no instruction manual for mothers of addicts," writes MaryBeth. Her letter is heartbreaking. I told her I'd post it here, so others can respond. - David Sheff

"We have all the information about what to expect when you are expecting and of course there is always the go to book by Dr. Spock. There are books written by parents living the nightmare that addiction brings along for the ride. As Matt's mom I tried to educate myself on addiction. An Addict in the family, Stay Close, Beautiful Boy all became my bibles. My go to reference books that made me feel like I wasn't crazy or a horrible mom. The only problem with those books is their addict survived. My son did not.

"Matt's addiction became my addiction. I was addicted to saving him. Yes, I know, I've heard it all. Only the addict can save himself. Unfortunately, I saved people for a living so I foolishly let my self think that I had the power to cure Matt's addiction. To me, he wasn't an addict. Matt just had a problem. He had scripts for the Percocet and Xanax from what I believed to be a pain management clinic that cared about Matt's well being. Denial helped me survive those years we battled his addiction together. There were times I felt like I was strapped to a roller coaster blindfolded. Never knowing or truly seeing what was coming next.

"I did't talk about Matt's addiction at work. Addiction is a dirty word. Parents are afraid it's catchy and if they allow themselves to think even for a minute this nightmare could invade their perfect family they run and shut you out. You are the mother of an addict, their dirt is now yours. I look back now and realize how blind I truly was. I wanted to believe the lies. I'm just tired. Yes, I went for the interview. No, mom I'm not abusing my drugs. Matt lived with me the last seven years of his too short life. We battled many days. Screaming at each other after me coming home from a 12 hour shift to find him slumped over on the couch with white residue on his nose, his list of chores undone. Still I denied he was that addict.

"Being a nurse I had contacts in the treatment world and believe me I exhausted them. There wasn't a rehab in Delaware that I haven't visited with Matt in tow. Getting him admitted and finally being able to breath even just for 28 days felt like the weight of the world left my heart. Knowing he was safe gave me the false security that my son would also be one of the survivors. Matt's coming home was always a mixed bag of emotions. Yes, I was happy to see him but at the same time I was scared to death.

"I had to keep a roof over our heads and that meant Matt was once again afforded the freedom to live in his world of euphoria. When I had exhausted the rehabs in Delaware, we went to Maryland then Pennsylvania. Through this entire 7 year journey I never thought he would overdose. Denial became my very dear friend. "Tough love didn't work for us either. I finally told him he had to go after he stole from me and then called the police on me for hiding his drugs. You see, I was tired of the rehab stuff and was going to detox him myself at home. He left and I cried and constantly worried. I let him come home to shower and eat, I felt like a piece of dirt. "Me living in a great house and Matt sleeping on whatever couch he could find for the night. Tough love just about did me in so Matt came home and the cycle started all over again. I became the mom police, checking his phone and emails. Searching through his room and things.

"My friends, tired of the same Matt stories started to avoid me. My life became a place I didn't want to be anymore and I would dream of selling everything and running away, but I had to save Matt. Our last Thanksgiving together was spent at Rockford, a mental health facility. We were given one hour. Knowing what I know now I would have signed him out and run like the wind. My son eating with strangers and me crying my heart out as I left him behind. The last time I saw Matt he was in Bowling Green, a rehab in Pennsylvania. He ended up there after another screaming match with me coming home and him stoned again. I told him it was rehab or the streets. I drove him there on a Monday night and held my breath in the waiting room as the staff did their assessment to decide if he would be admitted.

I praised God all the way home in joy that maybe this would be the magic time as all the books tell you, don't give up one time he will get it. I fooled myself into thinking we finally did it. Matt was saved. The last time I saw Matt was a beautiful day in May, so full of promise. Matt looked great, speech and eyes clear. He told me he was so happy to get the monkey off his back and was ready to start his new life at a sober living house in BocaRaton, Florida. The Boca House was recommended by Matt's counselor and was actually a place mentioned in one of the books I'd read. If only I had known what Matt was heading into I never would have bought that ticket.

He left for Florida on June the 2nd. We spoke twice a day. He told me he felt blessed to be so close to the beach. You see, we are beach people, me and Matt. I felt good knowing he was on board for his recovery and breathed a sigh of relief. We did it. I so foolishly believed that 28 days in rehab had prepared Matt to face the world again. A world where Mom wasn't there to pick up the pieces and get him to safety. I was flying to Boca on February 10th to spend the week with Matt. To celebrate his new life and meet his boss, as Matt finally found employment. How foolish I was. With a job came a paycheck. Drugs cost money and Matt had money and no mom on 24/7 watch. Matt overdosed on January 3rd and my life stopped. I live in a world of disbelief. How did this happen. Every time we spoke he sounded normal, my ears, trained to pick up the changes in speech failed me. We spoke at 6:23 p.m. on Friday night. He died 5 a.m on Saturday morning. My last words to him were I love you Matt, stay safe. I love you mom, I'll call you tomorrow. That call never came.

"Now I live in a state of profound grief. I question everything I did during his addiction. Guilt has become my constant friend. I replay the last 7 years and try to figure it out. What did I miss, what could I have done differently. When Matt's life ended a part of mine did too. I spent so much energy on saving him that I am lost. I walk around looking at his pictures, always smiling, no hint of the demons that controlled and finally took his life. I used to think I was a smart girl, a critical care nurse who saved other mother's children but could not save her own. : (

This was my response:

Reading your story was like reading my current situation. Everything you said is currently playing out in my life. My son is still alive and fighting. However I feel like I’m losing this battle. He just got out of detox and he is still haunted by the devil. I too am the mom police, investigating everything he does and says. I TOO am addicted to my son’s addiction. How do you turn it off? I can’t, I love him! I want so badly to save my son too… but the demon that has him won’t let him go. I find myself taking deep long breaths every time I think of him. My heart is broken and in disbelieve that this is our life. No one tells you about these things when you have a baby. No one tells you how this could happen without warning.

We are currently in our 7th year of chaos and the future looks bleak. I wish there was a magical cure, but there isn’t and society doesn’t care. Don’t beat yourself up! That’s what they all say, but we still do; don’t we? Why? Because they are our children. I don’t talk to many people anymore about my son because they all think they have the answers which is abandon him or they pretend to listen or they just slowly distance themselves from me. So I just exist, trying to get through each day. I’ve come to the realization that my son my not make it. He doesn’t want this life but he’s doesn’t know how to overcome his addiction. It’s too powerful to even try and comprehend.

My heart aches for you. There is nothing I can say to ease your pain. But just know you are not alone. There are so many mothers out there just like us, crying in silence. - Ana (Mom of Al)


Thursday, June 18, 2015

I'm Scared

I am completely and utter stuck in my depression. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Everything seems so hard. No wonder why people with addictions don't get help. It's so unfair! You have to have money LOTS of money to save your addict. I feel like the walls are closing in on me.I'm so frustrated!


Monday, June 15, 2015

5:03 PM

He called at 5:03 PM, I took him to Thunderbird to detox. I'm kind of speechless....

It was a pretty fast process, he walked in registered got called back for vitals then 5 minutes later he got called into the back where he got a bed until he got a room upstairs. I was feeling somber. He's on probation now, this was the push I had hoped for. He knows if he tests dirty he will lose his plea bargain and will go to jail for 6 months.

I'll take whatever motivation gets him through the door.

As I sat there while the doctor talked to him, I thought I was prepared to hear what ever came out of his mouth. But then he said something that continues to echo in my head. The doctor asked "what are you currently using?" Al said 1 gram of heroin a day. The doctor replied "Are you using anything else like meth?" Al said  "yes but not all the time, just a little here and there".

Heroin, Meth... my heart sunk. He's getting in deeper. How is he alive? How does your body survive that kind of abuse? As I sat there with him waiting, He kept holding my hand as if he was trying to comfort me. He was people watching and I could tell he was feeling anxious. He told the doctor he last used 6 hours ago. Withdrawals start somewhere in-between 8-12 hours.

As he held my hand I kept looking at his fingers. His hands still look like they did when he was a little boy. The same shape the same genteelness. I took his hand and laid it on top of my left hand, holding his hand out flat and patting his hand down with my right hand. All I could think of was.... how did we get here?? How is this going to end? I hugged him goodbye and told him "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR COMING HERE! YOU CAN DO THIS SON. STAY STRONG, FIGHT THIS... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" He's squeezed me tight and assured me he was going to be OK.

I love him so much! Please GOD give him your healing touch. Take whatever strength I have left to give and give it to him. He needs it now more than ever.



Friday, June 12, 2015

I Hate It

I hate it when my phone rings and the caller ID says "MIA". Stupid caller ID! It's him... what does he need?

Al called today, just now. Our conversation goes like this.

AL: Mom, I'm so stupid, I locked the keys in Mia's car. The thing is I've been trying to call you too because I want to check myself in to a facility. I was wanting to go today after I dropped off Mia at work but now I'm stuck.

DEEEEEEEP LOOOOOOONG BREATHS ANA!

ME: OK well if THIS is what's holding you back then I'll come help you get the keys out of her car and take you. Where are you??

AL: I'm at xxxxxx and that would be great. But the thing is I need to check in by my self. I need to do this on my own.

DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG BREATHS ANA!!!!!

ME: OK uncle is coming to help you. I hope you really go and check yourself in. I hope you do it this time. I don't think your body can take much more.

AL: I know mom, I don't think I can take much more of anything.

ME: I LOVE YOU SON, GOD BLESS YOU... I'M PRAYING FOR YOU!

AL: Ok goodbye mom, I LOVE YOU TOO! I'll call you once I'm in there and in a room.

************************ Just thinking ****************************

Don't get your hopes us ANA... Don't fucking do it! LET HIM BE!




Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Am I coping?

How do you cope? I got asked that question recently. Ever since I got asked that question I’ve been struggling on how to answer it.

Am I coping?

I think I’m surviving, some would say that’s coping but is it really? My church is wanting to start a support group for families of addicts. A beautiful idea, what an amazing thing!! I’ve been asked to lead it I think because I’m so involved with their homeless ministry and they know my struggles with my son. When I first got asked I was excited at the thought of being surrounded by other just like me. The thought of passing on my knowledge to help another parent makes me feel useful. We’ve been pretty transparent in this very overwhelming struggle with people. When my son was in recovery he shared his story with the church and his dream was to help others like him. He was brilliant at speaking out and courageous and open when it came to talking to others about his addiction. He once told me it would make all the wrongs he done right if he could just help one person. I truly believe he wants that and would be amazing at connecting with others. If he where clean and sober I truly believe he could save others with his story. But obviously he is in no position to help anyone, at least not right now.

But am I? My heart is always with my son and always worried. I wait for “THE CALL” and every day that passes is one day closer to that reality. How I’ve gotten by this far is no short of a miracle. My family (some members, not all of them) has given me hope and some of my good friends. My church has given me hope… strength and the belief that God is in control. I no longer fear the “what’s to come” because I truly believe that’s out of my control. I may dread it but I don't fear it anymore! Although support has given me the will to move forward it hasn’t and will not take away my sadness, nothing will until he’s clean and sober. I don’t know how to move on from that. He’s still here, he’s still sick, he’s still so far away from me. I have no idea how to deal with that.  

I wonder if I am in the position to help others? My struggle is not over, it’s on going. There is no answers! Or is the answer in just being someone’s support? I do know that talking to other with strong beliefs helped me. HECK talking with ANYONE who showed compassion helped… anyone who would listen helped me. In fact it’s what’s saving me now.






Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Sleep Is my Only Xscape

Al messaged me on Friday wanting to know if he could come by on Saturday to see me and talk to me.

ME: “of course, I miss you, I need to see you”.

AL:  “I miss you all more than you can believe”. 

My heart was in my throat as I texted back saying…

ME: “We can’t wait to see you!! If you can’t make it just call or text me ok. I love you son… I love you with all my heart”.

AL: OK mom will do, you already know I love you too more than anything.

I’m not sure if he came over just to see us or if he wanted to reassure us that he’s going to get help. (Sooner or later) I don’t know? His goal was to check into a place this week. I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m NOT getting my hopes up!! UGH… ! As I sit here thinking about it I can feel my heart race. I’m sitting at my desk at work thinking of it… I put my hands on my face touching my checks, they feel warm...I feel flushed. I take deep breaths, rubbing my forehead because I can feel a headache coming on. As I sit there with my elbows resting on my desk slumped over with face buried my hands feeling like I just need to go home and curl up in my bed and just sleep. Sleep is my only xscape.

I’m not going to lie, seeing him and hugging him puts my nerves at ease. When I hug him I hug him like it’s going to be my last time. I wrap my arms around him I close my eyes and take it in. I get lost in his arms. Hugs from my son are few and far between these days. But l can't help but think about what my husband said when he left. He said “Seeing him in this condition or him disappearing and not seeing him for weeks feels the same to me... It hurts! It gives me anxiety, my chest hurts because I can’t STAND to see him this way, and I just can’t deal with it. I rather not see him at all, it hurts to much to see him like this.”
I must admit I agree with him.



Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Dear...

Dear Al & Mia,

Here is my TRUTH, I have to figure out how to heal myself from all this trauma, whether you want to hear it or not this has been and still is traumatic for me. I have to try and figure out how to move on with my life with you in this current condition. If I don’t I will wither away in my grief, and I still have your brother who needs his mother, he needs me now and I need to be well for him.

TRUE: Mia I have so much anger towards you. I’m sorry to say this but Mia you seem to be my trigger. I’m so angry with you for so many reasons. I do blame you for being my sons “addiction” provider. The truth is you made it easy on him to be a heroin addict (an addict in general) by being his ATM. You provide the funds for the drug use. I RESENT YOU FOR THAT! You are an enabler. You enable him in every way. That’s not love that’s a need you’re fulfilling. Al gives you what you need, he fills a void in you. But I should have NEVER said the things I said to you Mia and I’m sorry for that. I truly am sorry for that. I regret every single word. TRUTH: I care for you Mia. I know you have had it rough growing up with two deceased parents who battled with their own addictions. I can’t imagine the emptiness and loneliness you must feel. I wish I could be there for you but you’ve done nothing but push me away. You push everyone away.  I wish you and I could find mutual respect for each other but at this moment and time that’s not possible. Maybe someday. Only time will tell.

FALSE: I never told anyone to not like Mia. NEVER… and I will stand up to anyone face to face with that. Everyone developed their own opinions all on their own. How they feel about her are their own feelings and I had nothing to do with that. Everyone has their own mind and their own set of eyes and what they saw was obvious, it obvious to everyone.

TRUE: You are my son Al and I know your heart, I KNOW you. I love you unconditionally. YOU know this and you know how to find me. Our relationship is in your hands. I’ve never denied you, I’ve always backed you and I’ve stood up for you. I will always be here for you. What happens from here on out is up to you. I can’t keep chasing you… I’m tired.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. - Calvin Coolidge”

Such true words…. This is your battle son. This is Mia’s battle. You can’t help each other, you can only help yourself through this. That’s the TRUTH. I pray one day you see that.

As YOUR mom Al I have to be honest with you. I accept that you are as much to blame for your addiction as she is and I’m equally sickened with both of you for enabling each other and that you continue to enable each other. My heart-aches with the fact that you will never recover from being an addict with another addict. The odds are not in your favor. However, if you really feel you both can ‘recover together’ then you BOTH will need to do it on YOUR own. Al if choose to go this route with Mia you will have find the means to get you both in a program. That’s part of being a man. Your winning lottery ticket will not be offered again until you decide to go on your own journey with conditions. California would have been the best thing for you. The treatment center we found for you would have been your best shot at recovering. It’s a dual diagnosis facility where they treat the addiction and depression, bi-polar and any other mental illness that needs healing. The condition is… you have to be willing to leaving your old life behind including the people who enable you and anyone associated to your current condition. No program in the world will work if you’re not willing to give it all up.

My acceptance and forgiveness to your current life will be conditional.  If you two do it together then I will accept it……….condition is you both have to be clean and sober for one year each of you working a program then I will work on MY feelings towards Mia. There is always room for forgiveness it is the forgetting part that I have to work on, when you BOTH are clean and sober I will put my best foot forward in rebuilding this broken bridge.
If you ever need a hot meal PLEASE let me know. You will always be my son Al, you will always be my love... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! “Always and forever"!

Mom





Thursday, May 21, 2015

I Feel Like I'm Drowning

American Addiction Center in California. That’s the place where I want to send my son. West of San Diego… they are ready to treat him, paper work is filled out, insurance has been verified all I have left is to do is pay for the detectable. It’s a dual diagnose facility so they will not only medically treat his withdrawals to heroin but they will also treat his depression and bipolar. He will have access to the best care and treatment available.  When he’s ready to move on from the facility my cousin wants him to live with her. She lives close to the facility where I would be sending him. She has the resources to continue after care like going to meetings. She is a recovering addict herself. She runs meetings now and helps other addicts.  

There’s one catch… he has to choose to leave IT all behind him. Anything and everything and everyone who enables him behind him for good. He has to be willing to be selfish in this moment in his life. He has to say goodbye forever to Mai. He has to be willing to start his life over. 

Well.... I talked to him last night. As usual I we got into an argument. It all stems from his commitment to see her though. Part of me admire him for that but the other part of me hates it and wants to shake him and say what the hell is wrong with you. Why Cant you see it?

He's not just hooked to heroin... he's hooked to her. I realized during our talk that when it comes to that I lose. Until they both realize that their relationship is toxic nothing I say will matter.

I have to make a tough choices. Allen won’t give up Mai and he wants me to accept her, give her a chance. He gave me the whole spill on why I should. He even compared himself to her and said we have the same struggles she gets me she understands me she's the only one. How she’s really a good person underneath all her pain and she loves him and is there for him. I know as a Christian I should forgive her. He asked me last night to give her a chance because he loves her and they are going to recover together. At least that's what they want to do. I realized last night after talking to him that he’s not going to leave her. At least not anytime soon. He’s too wrapped up in their mess. I also realized he will never seek help if it means leaving her behind. I offered him the winning lottery ticket AGAIN last night. I told him I had arranged for him to go to an excellent treatment center in California and that they would treat all his issues including his depression... He said he will think about it. I know now I lost!!

As far as Mai I told him I needed to think about it. Because I wanted to REALLY think about this whole heartedly. And it all boils down to I JUST CAN’T! I can’t do it, I can’t support his relationship. I have to tell him how I feel and I need to be honest. I know doing this I may lose him. But I'm tired of living this way. I refuse to lie, to be compliant just to make it easier on him. I can’t turn a blind eye anymore, I can’t. He’ll chose her and I may not see him for a long time.

Why does it always seem like I'm drowning?!?!








Wednesday, May 13, 2015

HOOKED

The link bellow is a documentary they aired on TV here in Arizona all the new stations edit simultaneously with no commercial breaks. it's about the heroin crisis in Arizona. It's a must see.


https://youtu.be/4rB4A6IpcfU


   

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Long Story Short

Long story short... 

Saw my son Friday (ME =1) - He was high on Friday (HEROIN = 1) - Broken promises Saturday (HEROIN =1) - Mothers Day no show Sunday (HEROIN = 1) - I'm a fool (HEROIN = 1)!
Heroin 4 × Me 1 = I lose!

Heroin is the Angel of death that has my son in his arms. He has a little helper too. She makes sure he's tucked in every night with a place to stay and buys him his heroin. (Deep breath). He must of told her he was going to get treatment, that he wanted to go out of state. After I dropped him off that afternoon he disappeared again, nothing but silence.

I have it all planned out. I can get him out of the state for treatment. He just has to choose. He has to choose to leave it all behind including the girlfriend, especially the girlfriend!!!  But as of now I don't see that happening. 




Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Lies, Lies and More Lies

I got a call from Al's public defender on Monday. The prosecutor is still willing to offer him a plea bargain despite his missed court date. (Unbelievable) So I roll the dice and message Mia. (the girlfriend, because he has no phone) She thinks I'm stupid. I know he's with her. I've been told by several different people who seen him with her. She lies and its ridiculous. Her current lie... "I don't know where or how to find him, he calls and finds me." All I can do is shake my head and laugh, and play along. (because I have to, she's the only link to my son) Well needless to say she "found" him and gave him my message. (Shocking) This was the conversation that followed.

ME: I know we don't care for each other Mia but I just wanted to thank you for finding my son and giving him the message regarding the attorney. Please let him know if he needs a ride to the court to call me. I will take him... I love him with all my heart and soul. That will NEVER change.

MIA: I never had a problem with you Ana,, until I got called a whore,, and wished dead. I never thought this situation would get so out of control, because we've always been able to work thru it in the past, if for nothing or no one but Allen. I've come to forgive you for all the nasty words you said because I simply have no room for anger in this life anymore. I have to move forward in order to save my life , I can't keep negativity around me. And trust me, it wasn't easy realizing how wasteful it was to be angry with you. While it is absolutely unnecessary for ANYone to get talked to in the way I was, under any circumstance,, I also am woman enough to know it takes two to tango and I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. And Allen,, he knows all of that,, he never doubted it. Your son has an amazing. Big, beautiful heart that, personally,, i think can make any and everyone on this earth happy. I get how contagious that joy is, But when I look into his eyes, all I see is a War. I think he finally understands what this life brings and it's harsh realities , and he knows he's in for the long haul. I believe that scares him, and he deals with too many emotions that have sat dormant for far too long. Yet. With all this, He is a wonderful person who needs to simply figure out where his place in this world is.

ME: Yes, you are right. I allowed my anger to get the best of me. I have a lot of pined up feelings towards you and I guess your negative attitude and disrespect finally got the best of me. I'm grateful Steven was home to stop what could of been a bad situation get worse. I never hated you in fact I cared a lot about you,, then things went wrong. I apologize for my behavior I'm not proud of it. But so much has gone so wrong that the lines between who's right and who's wrong are blurry I can't see the truth ANYMORE. I wish I had the right words to say but I don't. My heart hurts so much for my son that nothing else really matters. I know he's lost. He's been that way for some time now. I know he needs a lot time to try and figure that out. I just pray he's doesn't lose himself.

God please forgive me, but I'm not ready to forgive her for all she's done. I JUST COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO SAY THOSE WORDS TO HER!

I'm done with her! I could care less about how she feels about me. She does not matter to me anymore.







Friday, April 24, 2015

His Very Own ATM.

Still no word from my son.... It's been a month. I'm not sure why I haven't gone looking for him. I guess there's a part of me that wants him to figure this out all on his own. To feel what it's going to be like without his family if he chose this life. Then there's that part of me that wants to find him and just hug him.

He's not working anymore... I called and checked. I get random phone calls from his high school friends who have seen him lately. They all say he looks sad, thin and sick. As long as she is paying for the heroin nothing I say or do will matter. She enables him and will do anything to suffice him. It's a strange and twisted relationship. I hate that when I look at her I see nothing but a monster.

She inherited a large sum of money when she was younger from her mother’s death. The sad thing is she has wasted every cent of it. In the past she has housed them in their dark world leasing an apartment for two years buying him clothes, shoes and paid all the utilities and of course she supplied the funds for their heroin. The amount they used blows my mind. Why are they not dead? The level of heroin they used was about $80 A DAY, EACH! He had it made. Not only did he have a girl who was compliant but he had his very own ATM. She has wasted over 80,000 in two years. She has NOTHING to show for it, not one single item. I just recently found out she had fifty thousand left. From the looks of the letters that were mailed to my house she was taking out a loan on the remaining funds.

How can I win against that kind of pull?

Allen and I were arguing when I first discovered his heroin addiction. I remember her leaning over towards him rubbing his back saying "I told you Allen she won't understand, it's just you and me. You don't need them, it's OK" I was beside myself. I came unglued and lunged at her. He stood in front of her as I told her off. I looked at my son and said "GET HER OUT OF MY HOUSE". He grabbed her hand and ran out the door.


I know what you’re thinking... It's not her fault Allen is a drug addict. Yup I agree, he was born with those tendencies and he made the choice a long time ago to try drugs. But the grip it has on him is so strong, even more so when you have someone feeding it to him for free.



Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Reminiscing

I was laying on the bedroom floor playing with my puppy the other morning, as I do most mornings. I get my pillow and lay it on the floor next to the bed on my husbands side. I lay on my tummy, prop my arms on the pillow crisscross and rest my chin on my wrist. My little girl puppy jumps around my head nibbling on my hair and licking my face. She love it when I take the time to play with her before I get dressed for work. As I laid there watching her play I turn my head to the left looking underneath the bed. There lays this forgotten long plastic bin with memories of my boys grade school days inside. I see through container, it's clear and I packed everything neatly in smaller boxes with labels on each box.... I'm a little OCD. Facing me is this one shoe box with a red lid labeled "Allen's Kindergarten Art Work". I just stare at it for a minute reminiscing. I remember his first day of school. He was so eager to start. I dressed him in a brand new white t-shirt, jean shorts and a pair of new blue and white Nike's. His hair was combs neatly to the side, he looked so cute standing by the kitchen door with his backpack on. Looking back now, I would have never believed he would be where he is at today. If only I had had a crystal ball.

Allen has always been the type of person who liked change. He didn't mind trying new things either. His first day of school my entire core family went to see him off. (Smiling) I remember him walking in the school like he owned the place. So bright eyed and full of grit. As we walked into his new class room he just kept smiling at everyone as he looked around checking out the scenery, he didn't say a single word he just kept smiling as he looked around in awe. We found his assigned seat and he sat down looking at us with this great big smile, he was ready to go. I just whispered in his ear telling him "I love you, be a good boy and play nice." He gave me kiss and I walked to the door where my family was waiting. We all where waiting for him to run after us as we walked out the door saying good bye. But he didn't... he just looked at us like "I'm OK, you guys can leave now". hahaha! His childhood was filled with so many good moments like that. That year was filled with many first... his first time away from me, his first field trip, his first time on the big yellow bus, his first best friend.

Al and I were lucky. We had a man in our life who took care of us. His daddy may not be his blood but he might as well be... because my husband loves Al so much he would give him his last dollar if he thought it would help him.

I wish he knew how we hurt for him everyday. How he's always on our mind. How not a day goes by without his name mentioned. My husband and I are drifting apart. The stress of all these years of struggle and now the stress of not hearing from him and not knowing where he is or if he's OK is talking it's toll on us. I don't know if we are going to make it. At this point it really doesn't matter because our life will always be in crisis, and we don't handle our stress well at all. We're broken!




Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Disconnected

His phone is now turned off. He still has not contacted me. Disconnected again... Out of reach once more. He never called on Easter, and he hasn't talked to anyone. Its like he wants to disappear.

I have decided, I'm not going to chasing him this time. I need him to choose to call me, to choose to face us. It has to be his choice. I know I was the only voice of reason he allowed in his world last time but this time around he has shut me out completely. Begging him won't do anything.

Sometimes its feels like I can't catch my breath. Anxiety is high. I keep getting reminded that my health is poor and I need to keep it together for my other son and my husband. The pressure of having to stay strong stresses me out the most because I don't know if its OK to cry anymore. My family and friends mean well but I don't think they realize how I struggle.

Trying to contain all this sadness and worry is exhausting and impossible. It lingers like fog... dense and vast. I have no idea how to make it go away. (Deep Breath Ana) However with that being said I know I'm walking on the edge and I have to SOMEHOW try and channel all this negative energy into something else. I'm working on that. Mean time I try so hard to hide my heart ache. I miss him and I'm so worried he will overdose or wither away with his already thin frame.



Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Just Sit And Wait

Still no word from Al... I have no idea where he is?! I got a call from his lawyer yesterday, he missed his court appointment. This will be his second time doing that. I have a feeling the judge won't be giving him anymore breaks. It just blows my mind, all of this blows my mind. He worked so hard to get his legal issues on the right track. He was almost done with all this mess and now he has to start all over again even worse he has a warrant issued for his arrest. BEAUTIFUL!

My anger has turned into despair. I find myself having to take long deep breaths. I’m so anxious ALL the time. It feels like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. I've text Al, he hasn't responded. 

This kind of pain doesn't go anywhere, it lingers, engulfing your heart with each passing day. Having to watch our son being taken hostage by a drug is horrify. We feel so hopeless because there’s nothing we can do...  Nothing but watch him walk away right back into the arms of his addiction.

And now I just sit and wait for the phone call! 



Thursday, March 26, 2015

Please Fight

I don't know whether to scream or cry...

I feel so empty... so lost. I'm in a fog...

Oh monkey please find your way back, I'm right here waiting. I'm so afraid. What if I lose you? How am I going to live without you?

Please don't do this... Please fight! Please monkey I need you!


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Angry

As the days pass I'm getting more and more angry!

I texted my son last night, we still haven't heard from him... I could feel my rage rising.

ME: Just so you know if you don't call your uncle or your dad in the next day or two I'm going to hunt you down I WILL find you and it won't be pretty so we can do this the easy way or the hard way. I may not be ready to talk to you about this but your uncle and your dad are waiting for your call and I need to know what your plan is and if you're OK so you better call someone soon!

AL: Listen I'm working 11 hour days I know it may not seem important to me but the time I do have in the morning there both working and I know how it is when u take personal calls at work and you don't wanna talk to me but you can "hunt me down" it doesn't make much sense to me so I'll ask them when will be a good time to call I

ME: Just call them sometime soon! Just saying I'll do what I got to do!