Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Ok Bud, I love You Call Me Later


I talked to Al the other night. He was supposed to come over Sunday for dinner but he never showed up, then Monday and again he didn’t show up. He finally called me to apologize. As soon as I hear his voice it’s like something inside me automatically turns on my internal radar. My senses are on high alert; I scan his voice because his tone gives him away every time. It’s strange but I can tell before he even speaks if something is not right. Al gives off this intense energy when he's not well, happy, sad, worried or nervous. Strangely enough I can pick up on those energies and I hate because nine times out of ten I'm right. Some call it a mothers intuition and some would call it being a sensitive I think it’s a little of both for most mom's, at least in my case it is. I’ve always told Al that I knew he was in my tummy before any test could tell me… I could sense his presence before he was the size of a pea.

He always rambles nervously when he has to lie to me. So when he tries to explain why he didn’t make it to the house for dinner I save myself the frustration by switching the conversation to something he can be truthful about. Quickly our conversation turns into something positive and I can enjoy our talk. He also talked to his dad that night and they talked for about an hour going over their latest TV show obsession “Grim”. It made my night just to hear them laugh and talk. When my husband hung up with Al I heard him say “ok bud, I love you call me later”. I don’t why but it made me smile when he said that. He’s never called him “bud” before? It’s the simple things that make my day.





Friday, May 23, 2014

It Has Me Day Dreaming

It’s been eerily clam these days… nothing new to report with the exception of this unexplainable feeling of calmness. It’s as if God has us all in his arms, sheltering us for the moment so we can catch our breath. I seriously cannot remember the last time I’ve felt this way. I’m finding myself feeling happy and optimistic. It has me day dreaming of all the good possibilities.  Perplexed.... ?


Monday, May 12, 2014

I Couldn't Help But Noticed

Yesterday was mothers day. Most people I know celebrated the day with their moms and family. I however wanted to crawl in bed and just sleep and drift away in my dreams. My fear was Al wouldn't show up, that he would forget. He's done that to me a few times already. In my normal day to day life I can typically just blow it off as I've done in the past but on Mother's Day it would have crashed me. But I pealed myself out of bed and took my mother to breakfast, came home and relax with my family preparing myself just in case he didn't show. Al finally made it to the house about 4:45 just in time for dinner. We ate and watched TV, he even snuggled with me on the couch and fell asleep in my arms like old times. My boys are young men but they still finds comfort in my arms just as I find comfort in their arms. It's almost like a warm soft plush blanket fresh out of the dryer, wrapped nice and snug around you type of feeling. There's nothing greater than that feeling... NOTHING!

I couldn't help but noticed that Al looked dirty. I can't help it, I'm very vigilant when it comes to Al. He taught me to be this way... a long time ago! His hair now out of control, mismatched cloths as if he literally just picked up whatever was on the floor and threw it on. Old dirty converse with no socks. He had that black soot smudged on his arms, hands, fingers, nails, neck and eyes and even in his ears. Not a lot but enough to look a little dirty. He looks thin, has that greyish skin tone and he still has that awful cough. What that tells me is he's still smoking heroin and doing it so much that he's starting to not care about how he looks anymore. I can't help but wonder if or when he will start injecting it next. That's the next step they say?! (big sigh) In comparison from today to a year ago the change in his appearance is dramatic. A year ago I have a picture of him with his hair short and combed neatly, his cloths are color coordinated and trendy. He was doing drugs then too but obviously something has shifted, transmogrify. I have this horrible feeling inside, as if something fatal is going to happen to him. I've had this feeling since his drug abuse started but these feeling seems to be getting worse lately.





Tuesday, May 6, 2014

It Is What It Is... Right?

I got an invitation in the mail this past week to a graduation. Al's friends are graduating from collage and moving on to UofA. Once again the reality of where he is slaps me in the face. Al should have been graduating from the same college too. Theses boys started out together in grade school, then high school then college... and then they all had planned on going to UofA together. They are all going but without Al. It hurts so much watching all his friends thriving and succeeding only BECAUSE my son should be right there beside them. I should have been sending out my sons announcements also and planning his party too. (shaking my head right now) These normal joys we as parents are suppose to be having have been stolen from us yet again. I'm starting to get use to this feeling... you know, being disappointed.

I never got to watch him graduate from high school either. He got kicked out of school his senior year and ended up having to finish at an accelerated high school. Well he didn't finish on time at that school so no ceremony there. However he did finally pass that following summer and picked up his diploma and I was proud of him for that. Ohhhh who am I kidding this sucks!!! It's down right depressing and from the looks of it, it's not changing anytime soon.

... take a deep breath Ana...it is what it is!