I love this paragraph! Thank you for posting my question and a bigger thanks for the advice!
"You are the light for your son. You cannot stop providing your message of love and the dangers of addiction however sometimes it isn't the message but the delivery. Often times I would say to my son while he was using, "My eyes can hear much better than my ears." It was hard for me to internalize my own statement but it got better when I did." - An addict In Our Son's Bedroom
So Al texted me a message the other day saying he’s doing a “cleans” and needs to rid himself from all negative energies. He also said his teacher is showing him how to meditate and he needs to try and clear his mind from all the confusions that will cloud his mind in and around his life. He said "Mom you are in no way a negative or a confusion, please don't take this wrong" In other words you're in the way, right? (giggle = frown).... REALLY, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take that? .... I haven't seen him or talk to him since January 22nd. He said, when he’s ready to talk to me... to "really" talk to me about everything he will let me know. But for now he needs some time and space to get it together. I suppose the reason why he’s telling me this is because I haven’t let up about the drug use. I texted him last week to let him know of all the people I know and the people I don’t know who have died lately from heroin. I'm not sure why I did that, I guess maybe to keep it in his head that this could kill him too someday. So now he wants me to lay off “so to speak”. He said he knows he needs to get better... healthy body, soul and mind and he’s trying to change his life… I wish I could believe this will work for him, IF he’s truly trying this but the nature of his addiction says he’s going to need professional help. What do I do?
Looking at this from a positive prospective (BIG sigh, deep breath, wipe away my tears) I GUESS at least he’s acknowledging again he has an issue to me and he’s trying to do something about it. And at least he’s planning on talking to me when he’s ready. He NEVER wants to talk about any of his issues so for him to say “when I’m ready to talk, to really talk to you about everything I will let you know” says to me he’s trying to figure this out and at some point he KNOWS he needs to talk to me about this. For some reason that gives me hope.
Aside from all this I have decided to try and take back MY life. I’ve been so consumed with my son’s addiction and trying to save him that I completely lost myself. My health has been going downhill. I’m constantly not feeling well. I’ve been in the hospital twice one resulted in surgery, exhausted, can’t sleep, gaining weight; body hurts… and so on. Stress really will kill you! So I’m losing weight by eating right, working out and letting go of the situation and taking it day by day. This is process and believe me when I say it’s easier said than done. But never the less I'm doing it and it feels good.
Today was a bad day... I kept thinking of him today. Actually he's been on my mind heavily all week, more so than normal. It seems as if I can't avoid the talk about drugs lately. Stories of people on heroin and dying from it seems to be coming out of nowhere? It blows my mind! As I was driving home on my way to pick up Junior from school my mother called me. She had that tone in her voice as if something was bothering her. She can't fool me! I know she was afraid to tell me the news about a family members loved one because of Al's situation, but I think she knew there was no avoiding it. She told me reluctantly about the latest tragedy. My brother-in-law's brother died last night due to complications in his health, due to his long life battle with drugs. Heroin was his drug of choice towards the end. He used so much heroin at one time it caused lung and kidney damage. His health deteriorated and he was extremely fragile and was on dialysis for about a year. Apparently he struggled badly with sobriety and would disappear on and off during his treatments. He caught a common cold and died because his body was just too weak to fight it. He was only 45 years old.
So what does that say for my son? Is this what I'm facing, years and years of watching him struggle only to watch him die? This so unfair! I'm so sick of everything! The stress alone should kill me!! I walk by his pictures on my wall missing him so bad it hurts. I feel as if I'm already mourning his death. I already lost him four years now... I feel like someone has kidnaped my son because he's been mentally gone for so long now. Will I ever get him back?
The day of Love… In light of today being Valentine’s Day I would like to profess my love to the following. First and above all GOD, although I don’t understand this life nor why things happen the way they do I believe in you and love you with every fiber of my soul.
I dedicate my favorite bible verse to my husband, my son Junior, my son Al… my family and my friends. You know who you are. You are the ones who come to my home to comfort me with prayer, you are the ones who call me just to see how I’m doing, and you are the ones holding my family up when we get weak. YOU are the ones who will never give up on him and look at him with loving eyes. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! This is for you….. I LOVE YOU!
1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE
Investigators discover close to 50 envelopes of what they believe is heroin in the apartment where Hoffman is found, the law enforcement sources say. They find used syringes, prescription drugs and empty bags that authorities suspect are used to hold heroin, the sources tell CNN.
You guys have to read this article. Russell Brand is my hero from coming out with his truth. Compelling!
"I cannot accurately convey to you the efficiency of heroin in neutralising pain. It transforms a tight, white fist into a gentle, brown wave. From my first inhalation 15 years ago, it fumigated my private hell and lay me down in its hazy pastures and a bathroom floor in Hackney embraced me like a womb.
This shadow is darkly cast on the retina of my soul and whenever I am dislodged from comfort my focus falls there." - Russell Brand
The last couple of days have been weird. My husband and I haven't been feeling well. We lay around the house struggling to find the energy to do something. We both don't want to admit it but we both are pretty depressed and worried about Al. Still no word from him yet. This coming Friday Al goes to court for the car accident he was in a couple of months ago. He was warned by the cop who let him walk from the accident that he's in a lot of trouble, to prepare for the worst. I don't know??? What does that mean?
I've decided not go to his court hearing. I'm not sure I can take it and I'm not sure I can see him right now. Seeing him standing there in front of a judge possibly arrested and taken to jail would set me over edge.... nope I can't do it! Nor can I see him getting away with it and walking out of there without paying for his actions. I'm almost positive he was high when he hit the other vehicle. He could have killed someone and he could have killed himself. My nephew is going for me. He's the middle ground between Al and I. He's my savior. God has a way of placing the right people in our life at the right moments doesn't he? I don't know what I would do without him.
I miss my son so much... Al please open your eyes before it's too late.