Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Cleaning Out The Closet

We are now in the "cleaning out the closet" phase. This means digging up the past and forgiving our self for all the mistakes we made. The problem is our past is a little fractured... YES a lot of damage was done. A lot of hurt and anger to sort though. But although the past is fractured it's not broken thankfully! Somehow throughout all the mess we've manage to preserve our relationship. The second he said he was done, was the second we said we're ready!

I'm having to get to know my son all over again. We went from him disappearing for weeks to having him back and interacting with us almost daily. It's a little unsteady, we are unsure of where to tread. He's so different but yet the same in some areas. He's still that loving, caring young man we once knew, but a little rough around the edges. Al still has that familiar part of him in tack... that person who made us laugh and who loved unconditionally it helps us with the healing process to know we still have our loving boy! I think we're going to be ok... he's still my boy underneath all that junk he's trying to get rid of.

At least I know at this very moment my son is OK... he's doing good... he's still in ring fighting... he's working for his recovery... he's picking up those broken pieces and trying to glue them back together. Thank you God! Thank you so much!! I'm so so happy! I have my son back!

My struggle...

I find myself struggling with the girlfriend these days. My family and I are struggling because we are finding it very hard to understand her. She refuses to check into a treatment/sober living facility.  Al and Mia agreed to take this time to do separate recovery facility's so they can work on them self's but I feel like Mia copped out. She did manage to do the 21 days of in house treatment. But half way though it she decided she didn't want to do the second phase of treatment, she said "I can do this on my own. I can get a job by my grandmothers (in Sun City) and attend a 12 step program all on my own". She left the program right after she completed her 21 days convincing everyone she was doing the right thing! It made me mad and sick to my stomach, I was not convinced! After that I couldn't bear seeing her, I never went to visit her either I was way to angry with her and with her decision to not continue in this program, I just couldn't bring myself to accept it. Not to mention her grandmother (in Mesa) and I scraped up what money we could find to get her into this program. I felt it was completely selfish of her not to try after all we did to get her in there. She just didn't want to have to sacrifice her freedom... to do the hard work it would require of her. A recovery program is not supposed to be like a hotel or spa day. It's supposed to challenge you and make you grow as an adult and as a person. It's supposed teach you about your addiction and why you use, how to prevent relapse and show you coping skills. It's mentally draining having to revisit and relive your past... but it's necessary in order to learn from it, in order to move on. It's like cleaning out your house, you just can't sweep the dirt under the couch or around the table. You have to move the couch and get under the table to sweep the dirt out... then and only then is your house truly clean.

She's very bitter, depressed and angry STILL, she has a lot of emotional scars she not dealing with, she's only putting a band-aid over it. She's been at her grandmother's now for a month and she has not attended any AA, HA or NA meetings nor does she have a job yet. All which where apart of the after care program at the facility we got her in. I do not get along with her ANYMORE... to be honest I never did but I always thought it was due to her drug use. So I tried to over look it for the sake of seeing my son. She plays on Al's emotions even more now that he's clean and it's obvious he feels responsible maybe even obligated towards her for some reason. He takes full responsibility for their drug use. I've tried telling him he used her JUST as much as she used him. It's not one person fault more than the other. They both played equal part in this! However she refuses to admit any of her wrongs and she makes nothing but excuses for her actions and pointed fingers at everyone else. In one of our last conversations I had with her the day she was released from rehab a month ago she put me in a horrible position by confessing a secret she is hiding from Al. It's extremely personal and awful and something I think Al should know. But she says... "you can't tell anyone, not Al and not Heather... no one". It's so hard to read her let alone understand her. I hope and pray she finds the help she so desperately needs... I just hope she does it without my son. I hope and pray they go their own separate ways soon. Anyone can see they are not good for each other. I don't know?? It's not up to me... It's in Gods hands.
My prayer in this situation!

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