Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A Stroke At 43

I had a stroke one week ago today. 

I HAD A STROKE! 

I can't believe it... It came out of nowhere shut me down in the middle of my work day. I know it's because I'm stressed beyond measure. All the reports the doctors did say I'm perfectly healthy, I have good blood pressure, I don't have high cholesterol and my heart's in good physical condition but yet I had a stroke. Perhaps it's because I'm depressed... there are no words to describe how my heart feels! To say it's broken into a million pieces is putting it lightly. I don't know how to turn it off, the heartaches and the sadness... it feels like this madness will never end. I'm scared now for my own well being my health is declining and I don't know how to stop this, I don't know how to turn it off...!! (Tears flowing) How do you move on with your life when your son is broken when he keeps killing himself? That's the million dollar question! For someone on the outside looking in it's easy to say you need to let him go you need to move on and try to be happy, you need to live your life. I get that I understand that and I want to be able to get by from day to day without my fucking stupid heart hurting!!!!!!!! But when I wake up and I look at my wall of pictures I see the boy lost and I yearn for him to come back home to come back to me drug free. (Crying) 

It's never going to happen is it? I lost him to this evil world. My beautiful boy... Oh my sweet beautiful boy how I will miss you the real you!

Tears................



 

7 comments:

Sheri said...

Although you may consider me an outsider looking in, I will tell you that I have a son who is an addict, who I tried to fix for many years, who had spent time in numerous rehabs,who I finally had to ask to leave my home , who has been homeless, who has been in jail and prison. It truly is his journey and although you love him, you cannot love addiction out of him. I feel so badly that your health has finally succumbed to the stress that I have been reading in all of your posts. My heart goes out to you.
Please take care of yourself. It isn't being selfish to do that. It does not mean you don't care or love your son.
My son is still continuing his journey and I am seeing some light. It isn't because of anything I have done. It's all him. He will never be the boy he was, but that's ok. He is becoming the man he can be. I will pray for you and him.

Sheri said...

Although you may consider me an outsider looking in, I will tell you that I have a son who is an addict, who I tried to fix for many years, who had spent time in numerous rehabs,who I finally had to ask to leave my home , who has been homeless, who has been in jail and prison. It truly is his journey and although you love him, you cannot love addiction out of him. I feel so badly that your health has finally succumbed to the stress that I have been reading in all of your posts. My heart goes out to you.
Please take care of yourself. It isn't being selfish to do that. It does not mean you don't care or love your son.
My son is still continuing his journey and I am seeing some light. It isn't because of anything I have done. It's all him. He will never be the boy he was, but that's ok. He is becoming the man he can be. I will pray for you and him.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are unwell. Please stay strong. I am praying for both you and your son. Miracles do happen and you sure deserve one.

Mamma P said...

I am so sorry! As a friend of mine said..they can't detect a broken heart..You need to look after yourself better..I did NOT take the tough love route..but I did take the" I better get my own recovery going "...As I got better..So did he..He is now 6 months in recovery..after 6 long years of me planning his funeral!! Join a parents support group..counseling..God I feel your pain..take care of you..xoxo

Al's Mom said...

Thanks my friends!! I'm trying to take it easy. I'm going next week to a support group. I need to figure out how to live without him.

Anonymous said...

I have just discovered your blog. You may have heard or already read the book "The Joey Song" by Sandra Swenson. If you have not read it please do. I have two sons 27 and 22 both battling this disease. One currently sober 2 months the other just relapsed after a few months clean. The words in the book are comforting to me.

Al's Mom said...

Thank you... I will! I'll buy it this weekend. God bless you and your beautiful boys!