Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I Really Hate Life

I'm struggling.... I really hate life. Everyday I have to fight myself to get out of bed. I'm training myself to be numb, to not care. That's the only way I'm going to get though this. That sound coming out of your mouth are just words, they don't mean anything, they are JUST words! If I can master that then I think I can manage this crappy fucked up life and get by.  When I laugh and smile, it's not real, it's just a mask I put on for everyone so they feel better. I'm so damn angry!! I have family telling me I have to move on let him go and just wait until he's ready. Blah blah blah. That's easier said than done. He's my son... my beautiful boy, how can I move on knowing he's slowly killing himself with every inhale of heroin he smokes. He could be shooting up now... it's possible, I don't know for sure? Al and Mia are back to ignoring our phone calls and text messages. DEEP BREATH! This will kill my son this will be the death of him.


You have NO IDEA how painful this is


.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, all of us who read this blog DO know how painful this is. It is the worst thing that I personally have ever had to deal with. But to me it sounds like he is just not ready to do recovery yet. I am so sorry for you and hope you can find something or someone to help you with being the mother of an addict and accepting the terrible truth that there is nothing we can do to stop them from using. They have to get to that point on their own.

Liz said...

Dear Al's Mom,
I do know how painful this is for you because I have experienced the very same things you talk about. I felt like I couldn't even breathe, couldn't focus, couldn't care about any damn thing. When I was driving my car and alone, I would cry cry cry, and SCREAM until I couldn't talk the next day. I withdrew from friends, family, and my husband. It is absolute hell what you are going thru.. i know. There is nothing I can say or do to help or make it better.. Just know you are not alone and that I am praying for you and for Al.

Al's Mom said...

Sometimes I feels as if I'm going crazy. My tears are always on the edge of bursting out... but I hold them in. I know you two understand and thank you for the support. I just wish I could crawl in my bed and stay there forever.

Liz said...

Anonymous - I don't ever think I can accept the fact that there's nothing I can do. I'm her MOM. A MOM never, ever gives up trying to save their child's life. If addiction is a sickness of the brain, how can we simply not try over and over to get them help until it finally sticks?
Al's Mom - I also felt like I was going crazy and I felt like my head was going to explode. Let your tears out when you can... scream and yell.. it helps release your pent up helpless feelings. I also went to my doctor and he perscribed an anti-depressant. It has helped me. ((Hugs))

Mrs. Dubose said...

I DO know how painful this is and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

There is a world of support within the walls of an Al Anon meeting. Is this something you have considered?

Hang in there.

courtsmom said...

How my heart is bleeding for you. We all feel alone when it comes to dealing with our addicts. I find a lot of comfort coming to the boards when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just being reminded that there's others out there like me helps tremendously.

The anger is something I struggle with every day and is the reason I am unable to have a strong relationship with my daughter. Thank all that is good that she has her supportive (and at times)enabling father.

Cry, scream...whatever it takes but let the poison out so you can get well. Sadly, nothing you do will help them help themselves but you can help yourself.

I hope you find some peace in the days ahead.

Al's Mom said...

Thanks everyone.... thanks so much!