Monday, August 18, 2014

Heroin Holds Him Hostage

I'm in a really dark place right now. I feel anxious all the time. I'm trying to gather myself so I can go back to THIS battle again but I'm finding it harder and harder to pick myself up after each fall with Al. He just doesn't understand... there's no real happiness for me until he get's well.

I bumped up my therapy sessions and started going to a new church for a change... taking a cores called "Healing From The Inside Out", hopefully it helps. I might even go to some Al-Anon meetings if I can fit them in my day. I'm on anti-depressants, taking sleeping pills again because I can't sleep. I get by with my day to day routines, but my heart is broken and it hurts all the time. So there you have it... A day in the life of an addict's Mom. 

I love my son so much. I love him with all my heart and soul. I long for the day he get's help and recovers from his addiction. (Tears) Until then, everyday is hell. Because everyday he's using there's a chance he will die and that's the truth of it. Heroin holds him hostage!

I'm just so tiered anymore!


Erin said...

I'm so sorry, I remember feeling the same way. I am praying for you. I just read this and thought of you. Please try to take care of yourself, I know it is easy for me to say as I also struggled so much when my son was active but even if I did one thing for myself, go swimming at the gym or anything it made me feel better. Some days we can only take it one second at a time.

Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
You are reading from the book:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Al's Mom said...

Deep breath Ana!.... thank you. I needed that. Sometimes I get lost in my grief. Today I'm going to my other son's football game and I'm going to try and let go and enjoy myself. Thanks friend!!