Relapse is part of recovery... so they say! WHY WHY WHY!!! I had my son within my grasp but he slipped away. It was the closest I've been to "AL" my son, the real AL in five years. I was on cloud nine for those couple of weeks he was clean. I missed him so much, I got my hopes up... (I CAN'T BREATH!) I saw him Sunday and he had that damn soot on his hands again AND no care in the world even though he doesn't have a job yet, no prospects for one he's OK, he's still taken care of. Her money came in... and now I'm back to square one. GOSH DAMN IT! My heart hurts!!! I think I'm getting an ulcer? I feel sick to my stomach today.
Monday they had their second recovery class to attend. GUESS WHAT? They blew if off to go paint balling with her brother. They thought it would be therapeutic! WTF!!! HAHAHA really? (shaking my head) Obviously I was annoyed with them. When I confronted him about the soot I saw ON him this past Sunday the little 'MONSTER" once again appeared. He started screaming and yelling and once again I couldn't get a word in. Mia in the background patting him on the back "It's OK baby it's OK". I'm wrong apparently and that black soot could be from anything and could of come from anywhere don't you know! Of course... how could I be so stupid. (I CAN'T BREATH!!) I was fighting back my tears as I said if you're not going to listen to me or let me talk then I got to go, he said "THEN GO" and hung up on me.
Silence filled the room, I couldn't even move I just sat there staring at the phone. I felt numb, then I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. My husband just held me saying "don't stop praying". I buried my face into his chest and said... "BUT I had him babe, he was right there within my reach, he was right there."
I have to remind myself to breath.... deep long breaths! I wish I could just fly way far far away!