Thursday, July 17, 2014

One Day At a Time

The cool wind from the ceiling fan relaxed me as I lay nuzzled in my bed with my blankets bundled around me. I squirm around stretching my arms and legs outward, and then I give a good yawn its 1am, 2am, 3am. I’m unable to sleep tonight. My mind is racing with all that has happened in the last 6 days. As I lay there half asleep my alarm goes off its 4:30am now, time to get up. I peel open my eyes reach over and hit snooze. Instantly as I wake up DAY 5 pops up in my head! I can feel my heart start to pound as if I just ran a mile; my adrenalin starts to pump… I sit up at the edge of my bed and I think to myself… Its day five, Al and Mia are 5 days clean now. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths to help control my anxiety. Today his girlfriend Mia also gets part of her funds so I wonder will they be able to resist the temptation.

I’ve see and talked to Al every day now since his psychiatrist appointment last week on Thursday. The last day they both used was Saturday because they ran out of money and have sold everything worth of value they owned so they are literally broke, zip… zero with nothing. On Sunday as I sat in my car with Al talking to him about his appointment with his psychiatrist Al said to me as he was looking down at his hands “Mom I’m a drug addict and I’m scared”…. I sat there in shock for a few seconds. Then I looked up at him and said “Al, look at me, look in my eyes and say that again” he did and said a little bit louder “MOM I’M A DRUG ADDICT” he begun to sob and I just wrapped my arms around him sobbing too. I said to him “do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you admit that?” He just shook his head and said I’m so sorry mom.

Their plan was to buy Suboxone once she got her money to help them get off heroin. Suboxone helps reduce the painful side effects and withdrawals. But they ended up having to quit the hard way due to no funds. Al told me yesterday that although detoxing this way was brutal and not how they had planned to get off it they were happy to have had the head start and are starting to feel a little better and hopeful. I asked him “are you guys going to continue to stay clean? It will be harder now that she gets her money, you do realize that right?” His response was… “HELL ya mom, that’s the plan to stay clean, we don’t want this kind of life anymore, we are done and we are doing it together... we want jobs, school and a life!” I of course did my best not to lecture his ear off. He tends to shut down when I do that. I told him “OK GOOD, take it ONE DAY AT A TIME son”. He’s only been on his bipolar meds since Sunday due to insurance issues. I’m hoping once he gets stable with his meds he will be able to handle hard conversations and situations much better. Once Mia fills out her state assistance medical application I got her I’m taking her to set up an appointment and hopefully get her assessed by a doctor because I think she suffers from depression. I promised her I would go with her for support. Please say a prayer for me… to give me guidance and strength, to know my limits and to be my sons supporter and NEVER his enabler. I’m walking a fine line here and I know every move I make from this point on is vital for their recovery.

… One day at a time!

1 comment:

Liz said...

Prayers, prayers, prayers are being sent to you from me.. Always...