I sit conflicted… unsure of what to do. No matter which way I turn it's going to hurt. There's good and bad! The good is we have been seeing our son a little more often these days. Being able to see him kind of puts our mind at ease knowing he’s visibly ok and alive. Our relationship seems to be mending a little bit too… I think? There’s always that fear of saying the wrong thing, afraid he’ll get upset and run away from me again and I’m back to square one because at least for now he’s talking to me and listening a little. In one of our conversations he did agree to see a Physiatrist on 7/10. He admitted to me he feels depressed all the time. He said he thinks he’s felt this way for a long time, since high school. It makes sense to me, that explains the self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. The appointment was made and he said he was going…. So I wait and do my best to not rock the boat and say something wrong, which brings me to the bad part. The bad part is seeing him like this kind of kills us inside too. He still looks disheveled, doesn’t brush his hair or his teeth it’s like he’s just existing like he's given up and it HURTS my heart to see him this way. I just want to shake him and say wake up!! Stop this, it's time to make a change. But I don't.... I can't, not right now. It makes me sad and it makes my husband mad and frustrated. I try NOT to talk about it because I can’t and my husband has to talk about it because he needs to. We try so hard to be there for each other.
So here I am… sitting on my feelings once again. What good will it do if I say something to Al? Should I wait until after his appointment? Here comes my anxiety again.
Please GOD help him find his way though this.