Tuesday, June 17, 2014

What Good Will It Do

I sit conflicted… unsure of what to do. No matter which way I turn it's going to hurt. There's good and bad! The good is we have been seeing our son a little more often these days. Being able to see him kind of puts our mind at ease knowing he’s visibly ok and alive. Our relationship seems to be mending a little bit too… I think? There’s always that fear of saying the wrong thing, afraid he’ll get upset and run away from me again and I’m back to square one because at least for now he’s talking to me and listening a little. In one of our conversations he did agree to see a Physiatrist on 7/10. He admitted to me he feels depressed all the time. He said he thinks he’s felt this way for a long time, since high school. It makes sense to me, that explains the self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. The appointment was made and he said he was going…. So I wait and do my best to not rock the boat and say something wrong, which brings me to the bad part. The bad part is seeing him like this kind of kills us inside too. He still looks disheveled, doesn’t brush his hair or his teeth it’s like he’s just existing like he's given up and it HURTS my heart to see him this way. I just want to shake him and say wake up!! Stop this, it's time to make a change. But I don't.... I can't, not right now. It makes me sad and it makes my husband mad and frustrated. I try NOT to talk about it because I can’t and my husband has to talk about it because he needs to. We try so hard to be there for each other.

So here I am… sitting on my feelings once again. What good will it do if I say something to Al? Should I wait until after his appointment? Here comes my anxiety again.

Please GOD help him find his way though this.


Anonymous said...

I have seen my kid in various states of disheveled (and far beyond) and it's awful. As a mom, it's natural to want to lift them up, clean them up and give them some sort of pep talk, hoping this will be the one that sticks. It's really hard to know what to do, sometimes, and I'm sorry your feeling so conflicted.

I'm not trying to be a downer here, so please don't be offended but I wanted to warn you about your son seeing a psychiatrist. My son also went to see one, a wonderful man who so wanted to help him, but what my son didn't tell him was that he was an addict. He ended up giving my son a script for xanax and antidepressants. Of course my son pitched the antidepressants and started popping the xanax like candy while still using heroin and crack. He blew through 90 pills in 5 days, called and got another script claiming his had been stolen at work (what work?) and then blew through almost half the bottle before we caught on, got the rest away from him, got him to an ER and called the shrink. I'm not trying to scare you but I just wanted to warn you. The combo and quantity of drugs my son was ingesting could have killed him. But like all addicts, he was very crafty and pulled the "I'm so anxious all the time" card and it worked. I'm not suggesting your son would do that, I'm only telling you this in case he does get a script.

Al's Mom said...

Oh gosh... THANK YOU! I appreciate the warning. All and any advice is needed and always welcomed. I was thinking of calling the doctor and telling them my son smokes heroin, and lord knows what else. Whether they say I can't talk to you about it or not I don't care... as long as I say it out loud knowing they heard me I'll feel better. (A little better at least) I know the danger is around every corner waiting for him and I'm not fooling myself. I have hope but I'm realistic I promise. Thanks Summer... I'm so thankful and touched for your concern.