Monday, March 3, 2014

Missed Call

Just the sound of his voice can quite the area of my heart that misses him so much it hurts but almost in that same moment it can break my heart into a million pieces. Al accidentally called my phone today. I was already having a shitty day! I looked down at my phone and saw I had a missed call. I really didn't think it would be him but it was and it thew me off kilt seeing their number. Sadly two thoughts come to mind when I see their number. First thought is: Is he OK, is he hurt, is he dead? Second thought is: What does he want from me, ride, money? I take a deeeep breath and I immediately called him back. He told me he was at work and said "I'm so sorry mom I butt dialed you". He had that awkward giggle... you know, when your in a room with people and you can't really talk. I just polity said "Oh... OK" It was like someone knocked the wind out of my sail. I'm not sure what expected? But I stayed focused on his voice trying meter his tone, trying to hear what was in the background. I'm a little OCD, ya think? I said to him " Well if that's all I get is an accidentally butt dial I guess I'll take it" He said to me "that sounds awful the way you put it." "I'm sorry mom... but I'm OK? Doing OK! Hang in there mom... I love you". I said... "I love you too son, good bye".

As I hung up the phone the sounds of the office turn back up to full volume, it was like everything paused for those few minutes. As the world around me resumes to it's full speed it sinks in. I sat at my desk and tried not to cry!! After a few minutes of fighting back my emotions I composed myself enough to get up and walk to my friends desk. I tell her what happened, I broke down and quietly sobbed. I haven't talked to him or heard his voice in what feels like forever and that's all I got? WHAT WAS I EXPECTING? I guess I was hoping for that miracle everyone keeps saying will happen. That phone call saying he's ready for help and he wants to get better. When will I get it though my head there's no easy way out of this!?


4 comments:

Mamma P said...

My son used to call them pocket calls..I also used to get them..Like you,I answered with my heart & head going a mile a minute..We are their Mamma's & we love & worry about them..even if we have no control over their addiction..we are human..Don't be too hard on yourself..keep reaching out..writing..you will start to heal..Try and look after you..Huggs

Al's Mom said...

Thank you... I just miss him so bad.I appreciate your advice so much!

Anonymous said...

O!!!!!! how I can relate...sadly I WATCH the fone....I saw my son this weekend; first time in 22mos....all I could do was cry. all I was able to say is hello and goodbye; I couldn't stop quietly sobbing. An elder man was kind enough to come up to me and put his arm around my shoulder...
oh the pain...my son said he had to go, I sobbed and said goodbye; that kind elder man said he understood....I said thank you...oh the pain. I know it will end up killing me....I love reading your posts, thank you.

Al's Mom said...

Anonymous... I completely and totally understand how you feel. I'm a friend! I understand the longing the missing the pain that has taken root in your heart because we share two thing in common. We both love our children beyond measure and we both are parents of addicts. I'm not sure how I get from day to day but somehow I do. Someday I hope to write "my son is in recovery". Maybe someday!!! I'm here if you need to chat. You can email me if you would like. Take care of you. or at least try! :) God bless you and yours!