Monday, March 24, 2014

He had to let go... I see now

Letting it go.... it's seems simple enough? It's not, I hate to tell you it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. I have yet to grasp the full idea of "letting it go" but I think I have the premises of it. After an enlightening conversation with my two beloveds, my nephew and my niece I realized a few things. I'm not the only one in deep sorrow over Al. I'm not talking about being sad I'm talking about this yucky deep heart wrenching gut pulling heart aching sorrow. The kind you feel when you know you lost, the kind of sorrow that eats away at our happiness and won't let you go. I can be pretty selfish in this sorrow of mine. Selfish enough to not see that my beloveds are hurting too. My nephew was the one who said that horrible word "junkie". He said that this is how he has to deal with it... saying he's this other person helps him get thought this. Thinking of Al was killing him and trying to get though day to day was to hard. He said because if he had to look at Al the way I see him, the way he was before he got sick it would kill him. He had to let go of the Al he once knew in order to move forward with this other Al the drug addict. His tears said it all... my nephew was sobbing, fight back his emotions as he sat in my chair looking at the ground talking to me. He's this big tough guy who always seems like he got it together. He's smart and educated, athletic and successful at work but this has him perplexed and overwhelmed so much he had to figure out someway to let Al go. I see now! I get it!

The next morning I came face to face with myself .. I woke up walked into the bathroom washed my face and as I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror what I saw frightened me. I saw a woman who was lost in her sorrow. I look like I've aged 10 years, my hair thinned out from the stress, winkles and bags under my eyes. My body feels like it's 80, aches and pains everywhere and I'm only 43 years old FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. So I closed my eyes... took a deep breath and said to myself you can't fix him he won't let you at least not today, you can't make him see what he doesn't want to see at least not today, you can't keep continuing like this Ana so let it go, at least for today. Allow yourself to be happy with other things without feeling guilty just for today. Allow yourself to continue living this life without him just for today... let it go.

When I did truly let it go just for today, I finally felt some peace. I still think of him and allow myself to be a little sad for a few minute but then I shake it off and move forward... just for today. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes. :)


Mamma P said...

Ana this post made me cry..happy tears for are starting to will feel better..Your not letting go of Al..your letting go of the Al you don't know..Struggling with demons..It is a struggle only he can wrestle with..when he is ready..Your Al will be back :) Don't give up that hope..but do leave the guilt,what if's,nightmares behind.You have a wonderful family supporting you..embrace that..start to will find things do get better..not perfect..but better :)..hugggs
P.S. Loved the pic of you both :)

Al's Mom said...

Thanks Mama P! HUGS back at you! One day at a time., ;)

Anonymous said...

I really like this post. It makes me feel. I need to listen...and then adopt this plan. Deep sorrow and stress is exhausting.