Friday, January 24, 2014

Another Argument With Al

As I lay in bed the whispering sounds of the ceiling fan seems loud tonight. I can't sleep again! It's 11:45pm and as my husband lays there sound asleep I am awake, my mind racing as I try to focus on "nothing" but the wheels keep turning. SHIT!!! My head swims with the argument me and my son had on Wednesday. He wanted me to get him a gas card and I said no. That was enough to anger him. He yelled at me taking this opportunity to voice his grievances with me. By the way it's all my fault things are so messed up between us and the family. If only I had kept his drug use under wraps the family wouldn't be in disarray. It was only for "recreational" use after all and I "over reacted" apparently. He said he has it under control and according to him he's not doing it anymore. Even though when we saw him this past Sunday he had black soot on his hands and fingers. (A signs of smoking heroin) I cried all night, once again we are not talking and once again he is in denial. He sent me a text last night trying to convince me I got this wrong. This is what I said to him......

I hear you and understand you so try to do the same for me. You need to remember we are a family, one unit. That's me, dad, junior... Uncle, Nina, Shell, Pooh and Yaya. We are your core. They have been with me since I was eight faithfully and with you since you were born faithfully. They have been there every step of the way. They love you more than words will ever explain... you know this you just forgot. I know who you are too... I see you! I know the hardship you struggle with because I can feel it in my soul. I also know you want a better life. I know you want to be respected, you want to be trusted. Above all you want to be free from this dark cloud that lingers over you. But you'll never be free son until you accept you have a serious problem. IT'S OK!! We don't look at you as a selfish weak person for having done drugs we look at you for who you are and at your addiction for what it is... an illness.There's no shame is saying that. Drug addiction is an illness and the drugs are just a symptom. Until you treat this illness for what it is it will continue to linger in your life and it will continue to infect your relationships with people who truly love you and want to help you. I'm proud of you for finally saying out loud what drugs you've done. But It's pointless to lie anymore about what you're doing now because everyone can see it. You don't look healthy and that's the truth. Your depressed, and your very verbally ruthless. It's impossible to try and talk to you because you get so mad and screaming so intensely and you talk over me to the point I can't get a word in. If you want to prove everyone wrong then let me or dad take you to get assets by a professional in drug addiction. What's the harm in that if you're ok if your clean? If you're really clean won't it feel good to show everyone that they are wrong and they can relax. But I know you won't and I know you'll be mad at me for saying all this. I love you so much... we all do! And none of us are willing to leave you behind. None of us are happy things are a mess but we love you and want you well. Until we know this for certain it will always be a question that will haunt us until our dying day. Because living without you is hell... miserable. We miss you! So why don't you do us a favor and just let us get you help or at least have you assets. I'll never be able to live without you. It kills me... my heart aches and longs to have you back where you belong... with us your family, your core.

DEEP LONG BREATHS.... I don't know what to do anymore. 


3 comments:

Mamma P said...

I can tell you from experience,sharing yours son's addiction is the best thing you could have done..for both of you..Keeping it secret does no one any good..In my case, I think it was the one thing that may have brought my son around to actually admitting he had a problem!! Took awhile..alot of anger for me..from him..But he came around..he is now clean almost 4 months..and 5 years of active addiction denying he had a problem..I found it also helped to bring his rock bottom up..now that it was out in the open..Manipulating family & Friends became impossible..the "dirty little secret" was out.It is a rough Journey..for both of you..Take Care of you..you must look after you!! Keep telling him you love him..Don't lose hope..hugggs

onemomtalking said...

You did good to speak the truth to your son. I know those sleepless nights are long and hard, and the time without him hurts so deeply. I've been where you are. My son told me this phrase today, "I was you. I am you. And I will be you again." It's just to say that, I know that place where you are. It doesn't change anything in your circumstances. But maybe it helps just a little to know another heart is reaching out to yours. God bless. My prayers for healing are with you all.

Al's Mom said...

Thanks Mama P. AND Thanks Onemomtalking. Your words give me comfort and hope.