Thursday, December 26, 2013

Christmas 2013 is OVER! Thank you!

Christmas is over... finally and I feel relieved.  All the happy and joyful stuff just got to me and I shut down. I started feeling this way a week prior and as the holidays got closer I became more anxious and overwhelmed. It doesn't help that I'm feeling a lot of pressure from the family about seeing my son. I've only seen him three times in three months. What to do and what not to do I get it, I understand the importance of my influence and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, trust me I get it.

I know my depression is getting worse and I'm working on it, but it's not that easy. I just can't shake it off like everyone wants me too, when it's your child that's ill and addicted to drugs it's hard to find happiness on a daily basis let alone on Christmas. I know what I'm capable of and I'm at my limit.

He called about 8:30 pm on Christmas day. Oh my Monkey seeing you is so good for my heart but my soul can still see your affliction and it kills me.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Ouch

I've just been told I'm part of the problem. Am I? Oh my God! I'm so lost right now.

There goes the pain in my damn heart again!

Hi Monkey

I saw my son this weekend. It’s been two weeks since I seen him last. He looks OK, a little less angry and a little more open to talking. He was excited to show me that he passed his drug test. He got a job. My husband is worried about me talking to him and rightly so. I understand his concerns and fears. I’m not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore so I am cautious and apprehensive when dealing with Al? What’s going to move him forward and what’s going to move him backwards, I truly don’t know anymore? All I know is the pain in my heart was so strong so intense I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore. I’m finding it harder and harder to focus at work and at home. The pain is getting to be too much for me. I kept talking to God saying please PLEASE bring me some relief I don’t think I can bear another day. I was having a horrible week.Then my phone rang Friday as I was sitting at dinner with my good friends. It was my son, my heart pounded as I answered his call! His voice was upbeat as he said “Hi mom it’s me” I took a deep breath and said “Hi Monkey, how are you doing?” We chatted for a few seconds and I went to see him and we talked for two hours and then talked again on Sunday for two more hours. My heart feels a little better, as if I’ve been recharged. All I needed was to hold him and tell him I loved him. Maybe he’s my addiction?

I’m under no allusions that my boy is better. The words come out of his mouth “I’m clean now; I can do this on my own” but I can see it in his eyes, his struggle is not over yet. The facts remain Heroin is one of the hardest of drugs to quit. The withdraws are said to be so incredibly painful along with the depression that follows detoxing on your own is almost impossible. (Deep breaths close my eyes… deep breaths!) We still have lots of work to do, I know. But for the first time in his life, he said “I talked to God; I prayed and asked him to forgive me.” For me that was a huge moment! I’m going to relish in this moment and enjoy this little bit of peace I took from it. Because as we all know, nothing is for certain.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I Carry Your Heart With Me

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Monday, December 16, 2013

Allowing People In

In a situation like this with a drug addicted child/young adult; opening the door and allowing people in is a hard thing to do. You worry about judgment both for you as the parent and for your child as an addict. I know that most people don’t look at addiction as a disease. Prior to doing tons of reading on the internet, buying books and researching at the library on addiction I too found it hard to believe it was a disease medically proven. A predisposition they are born with and all it takes to activate this illness is to use alcohol or drugs one time and then they are hooked. It has to be true because when I was a teenager I tried drugs once and I didn’t like it and never did it again. It didn’t affect me like it did my son. It startled me and in a way took some of the guilt off me as I thought and still kind of do, blame myself. I’m found thousands of parents just like me suffer watching this happen to their child too and the similarities of events are shockingly the same.

When I opened the door to this tragedy allowing certain friends and family in on our enormous struggle with our son I found a mixture of different reactions. Most have been supportive and sympathetic to us and our son. But some don’t say much at first as I’m sure they don’t know what to say. One in particular all of a sudden in a conversation this past weekend voiced her opinion along with jabs at my parenting. An in-law attempted to be supportive but almost without thinking started to criticize me as if she knew the ins and outs of our parenting. She said “Now you know what you did wrong with Al, don’t make the same mistake with your youngest.” I sat and took it. She went on to say “You can’t be their friend you need to be their mother and not joke around with them and play immature games with them.” I found myself trying to explain to her the difference in my relationships with my two sons. I tried to explain how my relationship with Al was indeed close and that we have a connection that transcend words. We were silly at times and I thought “why am I trying to justify this with her!” At one point I just stop talking and agreed with her saying “OK” and “uh-ah”. I hung up the phone and thought “what just happened?” Afterwards it took me a while for it to all sink in and then I started to get angry and then hurt. Who is she to judge me?? She has no clue as to what kind of parent I am; she lives in another state and sees my family once a year if that?! I blow it off and tell myself to let it go. You’re not going to find support in everyone one you know so be prepared for it. Just another stab at my already broken and fragile heart! <Deep breaths>

Al's Mom

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Make It Stop!

HER number came up on my phone my heart sank because I knew it wasn't going to be good. His voice was panicked and he was sobbing as he said "mom I got into a car accident." I asked him if he was okay and he said I don't know and all I remember is rushing down the freeway to where he was. When I got there for a moment I had my son back I could see it in his eyes. As I ran across the street towards him he looked up at me and said “mom I'm sorry” and we just embraced for a few minutes. It felt so good holding him in my arms and for that moment I was at peace. He’s not hurt! But he’s in a lot of trouble and I pray the outcome will come fast and hard. He claims to be clean but he doesn’t look it, he looks weak, strung out, stressed and disheveled. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO MAKE THIS PAIN IN MY HEART STOP!!! GOD PLEASE… MAKE IT STOP!!

Monday, December 2, 2013

Thanksgiving

I’ve lost the battle so far it seems! Thanksgiving Day I made an attempt to contact my son to say how much I missed him and that I loved him. The response I got was less than pleasant and downright brutal. Even though I was warned he would get this way I hoped for a piece of my son to emerge. But no such luck. I know he’s in there… I can still feel him in my heart. But he’s so lost and consumed right now that any sound of reason is being drowned out by the enemy that is flooding his mind.

Warning: Drugs will make them angry and hateful. Everything will set them off. So cutting them off from any help will release the little monster in them that lurks in all of us. They will say and do things you never thought they would do and everything is your fault. It will hurt like hell and it will knock you to the ground. GET UP! Keep believing and fighting for them. I’ll never give up on him!! The drugs may have won this battle but I WILL win the war! I just need to regroup and come up with a new strategy. Hang in there son I'll be there soon.