Monday, December 23, 2013

Hi Monkey

I saw my son this weekend. It’s been two weeks since I seen him last. He looks OK, a little less angry and a little more open to talking. He was excited to show me that he passed his drug test. He got a job. My husband is worried about me talking to him and rightly so. I understand his concerns and fears. I’m not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore so I am cautious and apprehensive when dealing with Al? What’s going to move him forward and what’s going to move him backwards, I truly don’t know anymore? All I know is the pain in my heart was so strong so intense I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore. I’m finding it harder and harder to focus at work and at home. The pain is getting to be too much for me. I kept talking to God saying please PLEASE bring me some relief I don’t think I can bear another day. I was having a horrible week.Then my phone rang Friday as I was sitting at dinner with my good friends. It was my son, my heart pounded as I answered his call! His voice was upbeat as he said “Hi mom it’s me” I took a deep breath and said “Hi Monkey, how are you doing?” We chatted for a few seconds and I went to see him and we talked for two hours and then talked again on Sunday for two more hours. My heart feels a little better, as if I’ve been recharged. All I needed was to hold him and tell him I loved him. Maybe he’s my addiction?

I’m under no allusions that my boy is better. The words come out of his mouth “I’m clean now; I can do this on my own” but I can see it in his eyes, his struggle is not over yet. The facts remain Heroin is one of the hardest of drugs to quit. The withdraws are said to be so incredibly painful along with the depression that follows detoxing on your own is almost impossible. (Deep breaths close my eyes… deep breaths!) We still have lots of work to do, I know. But for the first time in his life, he said “I talked to God; I prayed and asked him to forgive me.” For me that was a huge moment! I’m going to relish in this moment and enjoy this little bit of peace I took from it. Because as we all know, nothing is for certain.

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