Trying to heal from all the wounds of the past was really hard for me, I was finding it a bit of a struggle. But I can say now is that things are getting better for me and more clear with continuing therapy and the support of my family and friend. What I’ve learned is that I suffer from mental illness and I’m not ashamed of it anymore. I have Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. My sons addiction trigger me in such a way that I really did not understand or recognize what I was going through until I had a breakdown. The truth is I already suffered from depression. Having gone through my sons addiction sent me in a deep depression that I had no clue how to get out of. When Mariah died it was as if someone stole every ounce of happiness from me, I felt like I lost... I lost the battle I was fighting to get both of them well. It felt like I had no control over my depression any longer. I began to have panic attacks, severe fatigue, crying spells, manic moods and was sleep deprived. I was maybe sleeping 2-3 hours a night working full time and trying to hold this "I'm OK" mask up for everyone. I just thought that one day it would just get better. Even though time pasted and my son began to healed and got better and recovered I still could not get out of this dark place. I felt so broken I felt so alone and I just thought no one would understand and I honestly thought I was going crazy. Come to find out that I was not alone that there a lot of people that feel or have felt the way I did. And there are places were you can go and get the help you need like I did.
It’s a very humbling thing to do, get help. You have to throw away all the ideas you had in your head about mental illness and you have to surrender to the process. Now that the fog has cleared and I can see more clearly I am able to control my thoughts and depression much better now. I still have good and bad days just like anyone except my bad days are a little bit harder to overcome. But thanks to an amazing therapist and the worlds most understanding husband I am able to get through those bad days. I live a very happy functional life now. My son is on the road to recovery and this coming July will be three years clean and sober from heroin. My youngest son is a junior in college now and my marriage is stronger than ever! If I wrote a book on all the struggles and pain and heartache of my life you would think that what we all went through would be impossible to overcome but for some reason it made us stronger it made us better people and made us more compassionate more loving. I’m grateful for today and for the first time in a long time I look forward to tomorrow.
To all you parents out there who have children in active addiction or had children in addiction and are suffering from depression please know you are not alone. Please get help talk to somebody get a therapist. Trust me when I say it will help your mind and heal your heart and it will do you good to get the help you need and you will be a much more at peace person.